Sunday, July 15, 2007

Your Questions Answered, Volume 1

Time for a new feature on the blog! You asked, I'll answer! This first time around I'm going all the way back to January of 2006 to see if anybody asked questions, and I will answer any and all questions posed to me from then until the most recent.

Starting next month, it will only be a month's worth of questions. So, if you have any questions, go ahead and ask at any time and I will answer them the first full weekend of the month...and nevermind the fact that I'm a week late this month, I didn't have my compy.

On February 1st, 2006, mGk asked:

Please don't tell me you went to Deer Creek?!?

That's not a question, Maureen. But yes, I did.

On March 31, 2006, mGk asked:

So many of these characters are strikingly familiar to me. I sometimes wonder which one of these weirdos I helped to inspire. Please tell me they aren't!?!

They are.

On April 3, 2006, clifton heights kid asked:

what was with the cashew up the kid's nose?

You're probably going to have to ask the filmmakers that. It's been over a year and I still am not entirely sure. He was just weird.

and heartcooksbrain asked:

I liked the tennis pro (Ivan?)

Yes, that was his name. A trip to cleared that up.

and clifton heights kid asked:

Yeah, but what about that cashew?

I already answered that one, geez-o.

and clifton heights kid also asked:

And what's this "leaching off the parents" thing?

Easy. You have stuff that I don't have or stuff that is better than stuff I have, and I come over and use it like I still live there. What's not to understand about that, mom?

On April 30, 2006, bridget asked:

so was robb "obligated" to call???

Didn't you read the post? Absolutely he was! By the way, he was let go and now is being mildly successful as a rockstar. Good for him, I suppose. But he doesn't have a cool blog.

On June 27, 2006, Carmen asked:

how many people do you suppose would come to the next one?

Based on the turnout and subsequent response, I'd say...none.

On November 5, 2006, mGk asked:

Why don't you get a job as a blog site critic??

The only paper that had one was in Saginaw, Michigan, and they wouldn't let me telecommute and the pay was piddly. Also, crappy benefits and the company car was a 1979 El Camino. Or, in reality, no such thing exists, and you should have been posting more often back then. But then again, I have no room to really talk about not posting.

On December 30, 2006, heartcooksbrain asked:

Who cares if you hurt her feelings?

I think she would...but the fact is that I wouldn't have. But anyway, she gave me a triumphant look when I gave her the news and that made me want to do the smack-dance, but somehow she and I are both still there and we tolerate each other. Go figure.

On January 22, 2007, Molly asked:

your cousin Chris Farley?? Isn't THAT a stretch??

I believe I addressed this ridiculous query in the post that followed the question. Thank you.

On March 9, 2007, Bridget asked:

those are sneakers, right?

Clever, isn't it? Of course they're sneakers. And they're Sketchers, too. And they fell apart soon after their youtube debut. I still have them, because they're my most favorite shoes that I had ever owned up until today when I bought the absolute sweetest kicks you or anyone else will ever see. I will leave it at that for now...but be prepared to be jealous.

and Molly asked:

How can I hang this on the wall?

Get yourself one of the newer generation of digital frames, the ones that can play mpegs with sound. Mount that on the wall, make sure you can plug it in, download the video to a memory card, insert the memory card into the frame, and voila! Wall-mountable Shoe Thief video!

On May 22, 2007, Molly asked:

You want a social life?

Yes, are you selling one cheap?

On June 5, 2007, Molly asked:

Where is my son and what have you done with him?

I took him to Marshall's yesterday and he bought shoes that are actually designed to be used for running. Scary, huh? He also bought rollerblades and actually rode his bike in the last two weeks.

and mGk asked:

I think maybe you should try TO spend money and maybe you won't, aye?

(Putting on best Pirate voice) Arrrr!

On June 7, 2007, Becca asked:

I'd also like to make a suggestion, however, to your idea of free write fridays? Can we also suggest a "style"? I mean, it's entirely up to you whether or not you decide to use it. But what if wanted a short story, featuring Lila the vanilla flavoured jelly bean, and her fear of being eaten, and I wanted it to be a horror story? Would that be too much to ask? Perhaps.What about a short story featuring Gene, the 60 year old parapalegic who has multiple personality disorder in which one (or several) personalities are unaware of the fact that he is paralyzed from the waist down, and I wanted the style to be stream of conciousness?

Too many questions, Becca! You could suggest a style, yes. Um...yes. It would not be too much to ask. Okay, but that suggestion about the parapalegic might actually be a bit too much to ask. Do I look like Franz Kafka? Oh God, I hope I don't, otherwise I just made myself to be a fool.

On June 10, 2007, Molly asked:

Cathartic, eh? Do you think that was coincidental?

Yes, indeed, cathartic. That's why I said it was cathartic. I did think it was coincidental until you said something. Way to go, mom. Now I'm all jittery and paranoid.

On June 17, 2007, marty/bridget asked:

saturday or sunday or whenever i get the time, eh?

That's not so much a question as it is you mocking me. But yes, whenever I get the time. And I found the time. And so, um...I'll think of a way to end this next month.

On June 21, 2007, Anonymous asked:

do you ever come up with fabulous story settings or romantic dates or awesomely sweet ideas and then test them out on the ladies to see if they work?

All the freaking time. Except I try them out on my cat. If he can make it through one of my grand evenings without biting me, I'll try it out on my wife.

On June 24, 2007, marty/bridget asked:

does anyone really know 13 year old girls? hell, does anyone really know 13 year old boys?!! and how 'bout those 14 year olds???

Yeah, see, these questions about 13 and 14 year olds could be misconstrued. I don't really know very many 13 or 14 year olds anymore. I was once a 13 year old boy, and then 14, and I really barely knew myself back then. So no, nobody knows them. What a difficult age. So glad it's over. The acne, the awkwardness. The fact that I couldn't drive. Thank heavens for growing up, huh? Summers without anything to do and...wait. What? I MISS SUMMER VACATION! BRING IT BACK! I WANNA BE 13 OR 14 AGAIN!

On June 25, 2007, Becca asked:

How's that for a guilt trip?

Still less of a trip than going to visit you at the moment, silly New Zealand person. Move back to Minnesota so I have less of a trip to not take and make excuses about why I'm not visiting.

and mGk asked:

So what came first, the spoon or the spork?

Well, the spoon, actually. Here's what happened: Somebody threw a spoon and a fork into the reactor at Chernobyl. Yeah, it was a terrible accident and marked the beginning of the end for the Soviet Union more or less, but we got this mutant hybrid that has truly brought joy to millions worldwide who now need only one utensil to eat their salad and their ice cream.

On June 26, 2007, Molly asked:

Did some reasearch on that, didja?

Yes. I typed everything into the search box four times, clicked the find button six times, then walked the 18 steps to my refrigerator and counted the number of grapes before checking the results.

On June 25, 2007, marty/bridget asked:

would starting a new job tomorrow have anything to do with napping on your present job???

No, although I'm fairly certain if I tried to nap at my new job, they'd notice when I crashed my car.

On June 26, 2007, Becca asked:

Now, can you come up with a snappy comeback for me?

How about, "Your Mom's a ginormous McMansion" and "Your Face uses a ridiculous amount of energy!" Those types have served me well in all of my endeavours.

On June 27, 2007, Molly asked:

how many homes does our illustrious "leader" keep? How many cars/tractors/methane belching cows?

That sounds like a question for my friend Jerry, or possibly Michael Moore. I bet Michael Moore would know.

On July 10, 2007, Molly asked:

What, no pictures??

Strangely, when we downloaded the pictures off my camera to Paul and Jen's computer, my card got an error and they all got deleted. As for Kathy's pictures, I'm just lazy. Also, there still aren't pictures on, so I don't know what to tell you there.

On July 11, 2007, the wife asked:

How much more of this story do you have?

Depends on which one. The first and third, that's it. The middle one is complete, I've got it on my hard drive and backed up on a disc. I've been meaning to come back to the first and third to actually do something, and this Tuesday Excerpt actually sparked me to get to work on them, just as soon as I get some free time to write. Like...on, um...Monday nights?

she also asked:

why not write this as a book?

Valid point. Why not? I don't see any reasons other than cycling literature has a very specific niche market. Although, most cycling literature is more a showcase of the author's knowledge of race tactics and/or bicycle technical information, and thus has very little actual humanity. I like to think I touch on that just a little.

On July 12, 2007, the wife asked:

Elliot have you heard from Financial Aid Offices yet?


she also asked:

Can you pick up milk at the grocery store?

Sure. I can do it at Target, too. I do work there still.

and Becca asked:

What sort of questions are we supposed to be asking you?

Anything. That's a good start, though.

she also asked:

Like, public questions?

If it's too private, I'll answer as such.

she also asked:

Or something like, what is your opinion of the potential for offshore drilling off the southeast coast of the south island of New Zealand?

I thought we were supposed to be investing money in renewable energy, dammit! Why do we need to get more oil? Oh, right, because the world is still ridiculously heavily dependent on it.

she also asked:

Or, what is your review of the new Harry Potter movie?

...ashamed to say, I haven't seen it yet. I have been busy with two jobs and the blog and this week my friend Elliot is in town (yes, we do have the same first name), and Tuesday Kathy and I are going to see Lion King at the Fox for our anniversary, and then we have people coming in town this weekend, and...frankly, Becca, I'm pretty sure you and I were supposed to have gone to one of the movies dressed up, me like Harry and you like Hermione. You were supposed to get me one of those cool scarves like you have. P'Shaw! I'll get to the movie, don't you fret. As for the book, don't think I'll let that one slide under my radar! I've already got my copy RESERVED!

and Molly asked:


Chicken butt, fried in grease, want a piece?

On July 14, 2007, Becca asked:

I mean, dragon, serpent, same difference, right?

Um...pretty sure that the standard image conjured in the mind of your typical 21st century human being when they hear the word "Dragon" has little resemblance to a garden-variety apple-tree snake. Just saying.


Becca said...

1. You are SUCH a nerd.

2. Damn your memory is good! I had completely forgotten about our Harry Potter & Hermione Character dress up and go to a movie date. But I've remembered now. Good thing the next movies are set to roll out in 2008 and 2010 - I should be back from Kiwiland by then.

3. Did it ever occur to you that perhaps I was posing some rhetorical questions? Oh shit, wait, THAT was a question. So you will essentially answer any phrase, statement or other assemblage of words that just happen to be followed by a question mark (or two)?? So if I ask you something like: A dog cat farm tractor makes hey ya weed poke? You'd answer that? Huh? Yeah, you try that one Mr. Smarty-pants

Ok, Ok, I know what you're saying now. Ask a silly question, get a silly answer.

4. I have also reserved my copy of book 7 here in N-Zed and plan to have it finished by Saturday night (hours before any of you poor Americans can even get your hands on it. Oh how I love living in the future). I'm totally stoked.

5. I'd also like to inform you that you can now look forward to me not only submitting ridiculous plot/story ideas, but also asking equally (if not more) ridiculous questions. Just something for you to mull over.

Ok, I'm ending this now, so I don't get accused of being a blog post hog.

marty/bridget said...

is becca a blog post hog?