Friday, July 13, 2007

Free Write Fridays

It's Friday, July 13th, and you know what that means; time for another Free Write Friday.

This week's winning suggestions come from Becca and gerald. I went with these two because both are awesome and I just couldn't decide. Also, Molly's suggestion is a good one as well, but it doesn't fit in with either of the other two.

Not that the other two really fit with each other, but I think I can find a way.

gerald wins a day off from his demanding job, and Becca wins the Maillot Vert for being the first one in with a suggestion. Molly retains yellow for most consistent posts, I get the polka-dot jersey for fighting the uphill battle that is consistent blogging, and the wife gets the red number for being most aggressive commenter (Lost? Click Here for what may or may not be helpful information).

Becca's Suggestion:

"Ok, here's the setting. It's the dawn of time, the Garden and Eden, and we've got Adam and Eve... and that's it. What sorts of things do they talk about? DO they talk? I mean, presumably as the first people, maybe they invented the first language. I don't know, you're the writer. Ok, go."

gerald's suggestion:

"oh, you should write something about dragons. and pogo sticks. and millard fillmore."


The following is from a speech delivered on the greatest day for Creationists everywhere. And they liked it, which should prove something.

In the beginning, there was nothing, and then some serious shit went down and before you know it, boom! Something! First some kind of random atoms floating about, then bonding, and bonding some more, each bond becoming more and more complex. You know how it goes, you win some, you lose some, and before long there were some false starts and some successful stars. Couple millennia go by, you've got planets, some with stable surfaces and others less fortunate. Again, you win some, you lose some. Eventually, you've got a planet or two with an atmosphere, maybe some water, let that stew for a little while, bung a fork of lightning through the lot of it and somehow, you end up with what we call "life."

Life's a funny old thing, and there are many who maintain they could live without it, despite the paradox this produces. Most others ignore it either because they didn't catch it or they know better than to point it out to someone who would say something like, "Gee, you know, I could sure live without this whole life thing, am I right Steve?"

But long before Steves, long before anyone thought of drag racing, stick ball and filling stations, long even before there were dragons and pogo sticks and even before Millard Fillmore, somebody decided it would be a good idea to set down a history of life.

Many have since tried, even those who were aware of dragons, pogo sticks and Millard Fillmore. But really, there's no way to know if anybody ever got it right. Am I right, Steve? But we've got our stories, and our legends, and it makes you wonder.

Well, actually, I don't wonder. I speculate. That's what I do, I speculate on the human condition. And I've got to think that the human condition back in Paradise was a far site better than it is now, but generally life has improved steadily since history truly started being recorded, so I've got to think it probably didn't happen this way:

Adam just became. It's not like he was born like you and I, it's just that one moment he didn't exist and the next, poof! "Hi, I'm Adam."

Only there wasn't anybody to talk to. Nothing to entertain him. This was, according to the story, a few thousand years before reruns of Seinfeld. It wasn't until a few days of lounging around Paradies being bored out of his mind-because really, that's what would happen, let's not kid ourselves-that he woke up in the morning without a rib and there was a hot naked woman next to him. How does that even happen? Every morning, I wake up with all ribs intact and no hot naked women. Obviously, there's some sort of discrepancy there.

So, we've got Adam, we've got Eve, and somehow they can talk to each other, let's just overlook that small detail, right? What do they talk about?

"Hey," Adam said.

"Hey," Eve responded.

"So," Adam explained.

"Uh huh," Eve responded.

"Yep," Adam added.

"Hmm," disagreed Eve, with a note of reproach in her voice.

"Okay," Adam stated firmly, stamping his foot.

"Sure," Eve lazily replied.

"You do this to me every day I want to go bowling with my friends!" Adam finally erupted.

"What the hell is bowling? What friends? Adam," Eve tried to explain for the umpteenth time that day, "we're the only people. We've checked. Nobody else."

At this point, Adam broke down into tears, as he did every day, which is probably why he turned to food and eventually ate the apple...because we all know he ate it first, come on people, these old stories just reinforce the patriarchal foundations upon which most of these stories and legends are built.

Goofy goofy gooofy.

Explain to me how it's possible that two people begat the entire six billion or so of us that we have today? You're telling me that Adam and Eve are the progenitors of Adolf Hitler, Walt Disney, Millard Fillmore and the inventor of the Pogo Stick?

Dragons do not exist, and probably neither did Adam and Eve. But, in case all three did, I imagine the conversation to be something like this:

Dragon: Grunt.

Eve: Shh, he'll get suspicious.

Adam: What was that?

Dragon and Eve: Nothing.

Eve: I was just saying how nice of a day it is.

Adam: Always is in paradise.

Dragon: Dude, has anyone tried these red things?

Thank you for your time, I hope you enjoyed the lecture and please enjoy your trip to the Creationism Museum.


Okay, I apologize, that was terrible, but I just felt all like being a little ridiculous after a nice, long, stressful day.

Goodnight everybody.


Becca said...

Hey, in my paradise there would definitely be a dragon and apples. I mean, dragon, serpent, same difference, right?

Oh, and btw, thanks for finally choosing one of my ridiculous suggestions. Now I'm even more motivated to keep them coming.

gerald said...

this was easily the best thing i have read so far today. granted, the only thing it had to top was an email from my sister and a discover card bill. regardless. FANTABULOUS! though you've neglected a widely accepted detail in the history of man. how did adam and eve reach those hard to reach apples? well, usually the dragons would lend a hand. but when they were not around... pogo sticks. i suggest you do some better fact checking next week.

Molly said...

You get 10 points for pointing out the fallacy of biblical stories as part of the patriarchal foundation of religion (you are your mother's son), but you lose 2 points for leaving out the phrase "primordial soup". You gain back those 2 points, and more, because this was just so damn entertaining! I'm fairly certain Gerald is right about the pogo sticks as a tool for apple picking and I can't believe you missed that. (No points lost b/c you managed to work Millard Fillmore in twice.)

Nice Job.... :)