Friday, December 28, 2007

Year End Round-Up...Coming Soon...

Well, it's been my most prolific year yet on the blog, which is not quite the accomplishment it sounds like when you consider the gaping month long + black holes of blogging, and the fact that my blog is only a little under two years old. But, the record stands for me to defeat next year. There we have it.

But that's not really what this is about. This is about something else entirely. Brace yourself,'s a political rant on a Friday. I know, I know...those are supposed to happen on Mondays or Wednesdays, Fridays are supposed to be for free writing. But, well, such is life.

I've noticed a lot of hooplah over a woman's ability to govern. Or a black person's ability to govern. Whatever. This post has been sparked by a recent feature I've noticed on facebook. They present you with a topic on which you can choose a stance, and you can leave a reason for your stance. For instance, Should Waterboarding be allowed as a means to extract information from terror suspects (short answer no, long answer is also no but involves a rather lengthy explanation, which is a tangent I do not want to go off on). Or...Should a politician's religious beliefs play a major part in their decision making process? Well, I mean, I suppose so, yes...but I think morals and ethics are more important, but since most religions do put a heavy emphasis on ethical treatment of your fellow human and stromg moral convictions, then, yes. Fine. Whatever.

But most recently, I saw one that asked the following: Do you think a woman can be as effective a president as a man?

Duh! This is just about the stupidest question I've ever heard! This is like asking if a silver car gets better mileage than a white car. Yes, I suppose it could. Or not. The question should really be does a Silver Toyota Yaris get better mileage than a white Chevy Suburban. Yes. Yes it can.

The point is, you can't make a generalization like that! I know that the question is really a thinly veiled attempt at asking if Hilary could be as effective as...well, I guess there's no real implication as to who the male is. As Hilary is the most successful female politician to vie for the highest political office in the country to date, though, the question implies that she is the woman. And so some people may read that question but read it as "Do you think Hilary Clinton can be as effective a president as George W. Bush?" To which the answer for me is, yes, but so could an untrained monkey. Could she make as effective a president as Mitt Romney? Yes. Better, even. Could she make as effective a president as Dennis Kucinich? Well, I'm not saying I have a man crush on Dennis Kucinich like Jerry does, but I'd say no, Dennis would be more effective. Not because he's a man and she's a woman, but because for the America I want to see, he's got a better vision.

Be wary, dear readers. There will be a lot of this in the upcoming months. Can a Black Man run the Country? Can a Mormon hold the highest office? Should a Woman be put in the position of Commander in Chief? Is America ready for a crossdressing Supreme Court Justice? Do we want Bill Clinton as the very first "First Husband?" Can you imagine him in the parlor with Mrs. Gordon Brown and Madame Sarkozy while Hilary, Gordon and Nicholas discuss NATO plans in the oval office? That would be hilarious, actually. Sure, a Hobbit can save Middle Earth and become a Senator and marry a supermodel who is way out of his league (and two feet taller), but can he be President?

Personally, I think we should consider the following when choosing our next leader: How funny can the editorial cartoonists draw them? Clearly, a short man with big ears always has a lot of hilarious potential, moreso than a former Mayor who faints or a lethargic actor or a young, charismatic junior senator. I mean...come on!

Thursday, December 13, 2007

I Promise A Real Update Soon, But In The Meantime...

O Holy Crap!

I mean...

Happy Holidays!

Enjoy Straight No Chaser and their awesome rendition of The Twelve Days of Christmas:

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Elliot's Poetry Corner

I never ever ever ever ever ever post poetry. Well, no, I think I did once. LONG ago. But I'm about to again. In lieu of a real Tuesday Excerpt (and being that it's after midnight and therefore Wednesday) I will post a few. Here goes:


The following poems were written between August and December of 2005

This Is My Favorite Poem

I wrote this poem,
so I can love it if I want.
And maybe I will;
I’ll take it to the park,
go on long walks,
perhaps pick up some snacks.
I hope it likes me, too,
that it won’t hate me, start biting me or
try and run away.
Or maybe,
it’s just a poem,
and so long as I am writing it,
I can choose to end it
before it turns on me.


Closing Time

For the past two months, I’ve signed my name-
-on lines at the bottom of different pages-
what feels by now like thousands of times.

I sign again and again,
and I write the date beside my name.
At least that changes.

My signature, never beautiful is now
an awful mess.

The bank must ask,
“What does that say?”
when they see it.

The keys sit on the table, waiting for me.
One last signature, smeared by the sweat from my palms;
the large number on the last page frightened me.

With this last initial, I can finally go home.


Labor Day Weekend

I stayed up Friday night,
drinking whiskey and writing a novel
which I promptly scrapped Saturday morning.

Sweat pooled on my desk as it poured off my forehead.
I worked for eighteen straight hours then left,
thinking fresh air would revitalize my ambitions.

My wife complained the clacking keys kept her awake,
as my characters found themselves at last.
I slept through daylight and woke in time for dinner.

Through conflict I typed, into resolution,
composing a lie of a life that never was.
The throaty call of “Are you done yet?” turned to
“Oh good, you’re done, get some sleep.”

Long since abandoning whiskey for tea, I read my work.
Sitting back and smiling for the first time in three days.


Now...clearly, the three day novel has been discussed. And Closing Time was written in the midst of buying the house. But that first one, well...I think it's possibly the only poem I've ever written that I enjoy reading, to be perfectly honest. I mean, I think if I were to ever forget that I wrote this poem, and then somebody read it to me, I'd think it was early Billy Collins. And no, I'm not just being an egomaniac...this actually happened. I wrote this two years ago, and a month ago I stumbled upon it in a folder from school. It had no name on it, and it was not unusual for my teacher to type out a play instead of copying it from a book so we could read it. So I saw it, read it, and thought to mysel, "This kind of smacks of Billy Collins. You know, before he got really good." Then I found it on my back-up discs when I got my old laptop's hard drive recovered...with my name on it. Two separate drafts, even. I guess I did write it. Anyway, I'll take credit. I sort of remember writing it anyway.