Happy (Belated) Birthday CitySidewalk

This one goes out to my friend CitySidewalk, the writer of Provocative & Talkative on the occasion of her twenty-fifth birthday!

I didn't talk about it much at the time, but when I was twenty-five, I went through a quarter-life crisis of sorts. I won't go into details except to say that I am glad I got over it. Unfortunately for me, at the time I didn't have any awesome friends to make me awesome mixes. Fortunately for you, CitySidewalk, you've got me.

I already gave her these mixes, so I'm not giving anything away. In fact, she seemed to love them quite a bit before she even listened to them, and asked that I blog about it.

Well, maybe instead of saying she "asked" me to "blog about it" I should correctly state that she demanded that I blog the actual mix and the accompanying liner notes. So, without further ceremony, I give you (my readers) CitySidewalk's twenty-fifth birthday present.

The begin, I gave her a copy of Arcade Fire's The Suburbs. Nothing too exciting there.

Second, I gave her a mix called Dust Yourself Off, which includes some inspirational/rollicking-good-time music. The mix is as follows:

1. Jessica - The Allman Brothers Band
2. It Don't Move Me - Peter, Bjorn and John
3. I Believe In a Thing Called Love - The Darkness
4. The Way We Get By - Spoon
5. Pretty Girls Don't Cry - Chris Isaak
6. Somewhere Over the Rainbow - Israel Kamakawiwo'ole
7. Times Like These (Acoustic) - Foo Fighters
8. Ali In The Jungle - The Hours
9. Regret - New Order
10. Feelin' Good - Muse
11. The Heart is a Lonely Hunter - The Anniversary
12. 40 Day Dream - Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros
13. Float On - Modest Mouse
14. Eleanor Put Your Boots Back On - Franz Ferdinand
15. Here Comes the Sun - The Beatles
16. Dreams - BoDeans
17. This Too Shall Pass - OK Go
18. Don't Look Back in Anger - Oasis

But that's not all. Oh no, that's not all.

Last and absolutely not least, the part that she absolutely positively wanted me to blog about. But first...some background information.

CitySidewalk is kind of obsessed with finding a hipster boy to love. So I put together a special compilation just for her to aid her in this pursuit.

Blog readers: Please note that these are meant to be liner notes, not read on a blog, so a fair amount of scrolling may need to be done for the full effect. You've been warned.

USER’S MANUAL

Congratulations on turning twenty-five and receiving this awesome compilation disc! By following the instructions in this manual, you can be sure to enjoy your disc for many years to come. Proper care is needed at all times in the handling of this highly indie content. Avoid exposure to direct sunlight without cheap sunglasses. This product is intended to be used as bait to lure and capture hipsters, but no warranty is made against the possible capture of wannabes, posers, scenesters and emo kids who might cut themselves. Please take precautions when handling your hipsters and take steps to verify their credibility.

Track Listing:

Title – Band – Album

1. &Serenading – Mineral – Endserenading

2. Maps – Yeah Yeah Yeahs – Fever to Tell

3. Waste Time – The Fire Theft – The Fire Theft

4. Jesus, Etc. – Wilco – Yankee Hotel Foxtrot

5. Answers and Questions – Earlimart – Mentor Tormentor

6. Suffocation Keep – The Slip – Eisenhower

7. Young Folks – Peter, Bjorn and John – Writer’s Block

8. Crystalised – The xx – XX

9. Lover I Don’t Have to Love – Bright Eyes – Lifted or The Story is in the Soil, Keep Your Ear to the Ground

10. We Used to Wait – Arcade Fire – The Suburbs

11. Gimme Less Friction – Heroic Doses – Heroic Doses

12. Seven – Sunny Day Real Estate – Diary

13. The Ghost Inside – Broken Bells – Broken Bells

14. Home – Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros – Up From Below

15. The Last Beat of Your Heart – DeVotchka – Curse Your Little Heart EP

16. Robbers – Cold War Kids – Robbers & Cowards

17. Meet Me In The City – The Black Keys – Chulahoma

18. Boxcar – Jawbreaker – 24 Hour Revenge Therapy

If, while listening in the company of another, consult this guide for appropriate responses to the following questions:

“Who is this?” (p 3)

“You like this band?” (p 4)

“You like this song?” (p 6)

“What did you think of the rest of this album?” (p 7)

For all other contingencies, consult your friendly Obscure Music Representative.

Question: “Who is this?”

If asked with contempt, the correct response is always, “Whatever, you’ve probably never even heard of them,” followed by an annoyed sigh, then provide the name of the band.

If asked with interest, respond with:

1. With poise, “This is Mineral. Isn’t it great? I think a lot of people who call themselves ‘emo’ these days need to give this a listen; this is just about where it all started, when ‘emo’ was just a genre of music and not some pre-packaged, Seventeen magazine fashion and lifestyle.” Act disgusted.

2. With mild shock, “You haven’t heard of Yeah Yeah Yeahs? Oh man…this is one of those songs you don’t want to accidentally have on in the background when you call your ex. Totally happened to a friend of mine. But no, they’re pretty cool.” Nod approvingly.

3. With understanding, “The Fire Theft. Don’t you think it’s strange that when you get Dan Hoerner, Jeremy Enigk and William Goldsmith together without Nate Mendel, it’s still Sunny Day Real Estate, but if Nate comes back but Hoerner leaves, they change their name to The Fire Theft? But then, after Sunny Day’s fourth album, would you have wanted to be in that band? Am I right?” Grin like a fool.

4. Nodding your head, “Ah, yeah, this is Wilco. Stupid record company tried to squeeze them out. But the internets sure saved the day, if you know what I mean.” Wink.

5. With a look of apprehension, “You’ve never heard of Earlimart? Geez, do you even listen to All Songs Considered?” Pretend like you don’t know the person for a few moments.

6. Smiling thoughtfully, “This is The Slip. They’re kind of a jam band from Boston. They’ve got some great stuff.” Turn it up.

7. Rocking out, “Peter, Bjorn and John. They’re totally Euro-pop and I love them to pieces!” Sing along at the top of your lungs.

8. Purse your lips, press your finger and quietly “Shh” the person, then make eye contact. Sultry and quietly, “It’s The xx. Sh, just listen.” If the person who asked is a cute boy, now may be a good time to make out. If it’s a cute girl, it’s always time to make out. I mean…um…high five.

9. Shrug. “Bright Eyes. Some of Conor Oberst’s stuff is kind of, well…meh, but I like a fair amount of it.” Smile and continue shrugging.

10. Remain stoic. “Arcade Fire.” Close your eyes and turn it up.

11. Giggling, “Heroic Doses. Fun fact, one of my good friends peed next to their drummer at Mississippi Nights.” Smile like a crazy person.

12.  Getting super excited, “It’s Sunny Day Real Estate. And if Mineral is where it started, Sunny Day Real Estate is the absolute pinnacle of early ‘emo.’ They are to ‘emo’ as Glen Miller is to big band jazz.” Let the song end then start it over. Repeat if necessary.

13. Bobbing along with the music, “Broken Bells. Pretty sweet what can happen when the lead singer from The Shins gets together with Danger Mouse, eh?” Keep bobbing.

14. Looking aghast, “What, you haven’t seen any episode of any TV show in the past two years, or watched a car commercial or seen a trailer for an indie film? It’s Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros. This guy and this girl singing are, like, totally in love with each other. It’s really cool.” Try to look like you long for that kind of creepy drugged-up hippy love.

15. Swaying to the music, “It’s DeVotchka. Did you see Little Miss Sunshine? They did a lot of the soundtrack.” Sway more.

16. In all seriousness, “Cold War Kids. Though, I haven’t checked their credentials to see if they were really affected by the cold war that much.” Try to keep a straight face.

17. Slow-jamming it out, “The Black Keys. I think they’re sooo retro in their sound. I love throwbacks.” Slow jam some more.

18. Throwing some punk-rock signs, “Jawbreaker! Jawbreaker! JAWBREAKER!!!” More punk signs.

Question: “You like this band?”

For this question, there are different responses for the different tones of voice in which it may be phrased.

1. Neutral/Positive tone: “Yeah, I mean, they really helped lay the groundwork for the indie/emo pop explosion of the early part of the last decade. Not a lot of people know that, you know? Most people think emo started with bands like Death Cab for Cutie or, ugh, Panic! At the Disco, but we wouldn’t have either of them without Mineral. Though, the fair question is, do we like Mineral enough to put up with Panic! At the Disco, or do we go back in time and stop Mineral from ever releasing an album?” Negative tone: “Yeah. I like my emo bands to be about the music, and not about cutting themselves for the benefit of the scene. Jeez.”

2. Neutral/Positive tone: “Of course! They’ve been a great standout for girls in indie rock. So many genres are boys only clubs, you know? But I guess when the boys in the club are kind of already girly…” Negative tone: “You know you like them, too. You just say you don’t like them because everybody likes them and you feel like you’re supposed to, but no, you’re way too non-conformist. When I finally admitted that to myself, I started to enjoy them. You will too, ya jackwagon.”

3. Neutral/Positive: “Yes, though never as much as Sunny Day Real Estate.” Negative: “No, never as much as Sunny Day Real Estate.”

4. Neutral/Positive: “I know they’re kind of the go-to band for people who want to be all edgy, but don’t know what “edgy” means, but yeah, they’re a great band to listen to. Solid B-plus band all the way, except for this album, which is awesome.” Negative: If you want to appease this person, choose option A. Otherwise, choose option B. A) “No. But you have to admit, this album is pretty awesome.” B) “Philistine.”

5. Neutral/Positive: “Oh my God, you should run their Pandora station. For that reason alone, everybody should like this band.” Negative: “Whatever, you’ve probably only just now heard of them.”

6. Neutral/Positive: “I discovered them on NPR one night. I can’t believe they’ve never come to St. Louis on a tour!” Negative: “It’s people like you who make them not want to come to St. Louis on tour.”

7. Neutral/Positive: “Don’t you think they’re like the perfect Euro Pop group? They’re a lot of fun.” Negative: “I know you didn’t just ask me that like you don’t like them, because I don’t hang out with people who don’t like awesome things.”

8. Neutral/Positive: “They totally deserved the Mercury Prize, I’m so glad they got it.” Negative: “Yeah, duh. You don’t? How many Mercury Prizes have you won?”

9. Neutral/Positive/Negative: “Not all of it, Bright Eyes is totally hit-or-miss. Also, I sometimes want to punch Conor Oberst in the junk to see if he actually has any balls. I’m guessing ovaries.”

10. Neutral/Positive: “They’ve really matured a lot, too. I liked their first album, but worried that they would try and sustain the same feel. My fears were ill founded, of course.” Negative: Start crying, look hurt.

11. Neutral/Positive: “Have you heard of them before? Aren’t they all kinds of awesome?” Then high five. Negative: “Pfft. I was gonna give you a high five, but now I think I’ll just be sick.”

12. Neutral/Positive: “Yes. Do you? Because if you do, we might be the bestest friends ever.” Negative: The only appropriate response is to cut off all communication with this person for ever, and sabotage any friendship they may have with people you care about.

13. Neutral/Positive: “I think it’s pretty neat that they were able to collaborate on this and on Dark Night of the Soul. And then they took this on tour. I really hope they put out a second album.” Negative: “I guess you probably hate kittens and penny candy too, huh?”

14. Neutral/Positive: “Aren’t they just super fun all the time to listen to? Love it!” Negative: “I will admit they can be kind of creepy, but come on, their accordion player was on that hilariously awful web show ‘Dorm Life’ and is a member of the Upright Citizens Brigade!”

15. Neutral/Positive: “Nick Urata’s voice is so amazingly haunting, I can’t help but fall in love a little bit every time.” Negative: “Don’t hold their commercial success against them; nobody even knows their name even though everybody’s seen Little Miss Sunshine.”

16. Neutral/Positive: Smile. “Yeah. I heart these guys.” Negative: Scowl. “Yes. I heart these guys, deal with it.”

17. Neutral/Positive: “I like any band that can sound so good with only two members.” Negative: “Let’s see you sound as good with just one other person. And go. I’m waiting, release an album. Right now. Do it.”

18. Neutral/Positive: Singing along with the music, “’One-Two-Three-Four, Who’s Punk What’s the Score!’ Ahhh awesomeness!” Negative: Throwing punk signs, “JAWBREAKER!! WHO’S PUNK NOW, BITCH?”

Question: “You like this song?”

Like the previous question, different tones require different responses.

1. Neutral/Positive: “Well, now that I’m a little older, it’s more nostalgic than anything. I mean, ‘Why am I so blind at twenty-two…’ doesn’t really speak to me anymore, but I still love it.” Negative: “You like your face?”

2. Neutral/Positive: “Yeah. I think it’s great that somebody can feel a love like that, you know. And have you seen the video? She looks like she’s in pain, it’s kind of neat.” Negative: Crying softly, “You just don’t know, do you?”

3. Neutral/Positive/Negative: “It’s among the few listenable songs they put out.”

4. Neutral/Positive: “It’s got great structure and melody, how could you not?” Negative: “Yeah. Something wrong with that, asshole?”

5. Neutral/Positive: “You know it.” Negative: Sing along, ignoring them.

6. Neutral/Positive: “It’s kind of powerful, yeah.” Negative: “Yes. Yes I do.” Cry a single tear.

7. Neutral/Positive: Smile and sing along, nodding. Negative: Smile and sing along off-key, nodding.

8. Neutral/Positive: If you want to make out with person, option A. If not, option B. A) “Yes. Wanna make out?” B) “Yes.” Negative: If you wanted to make out with person before they insulted your musical taste, option A. If not, B. A) “Yes. And it normally always makes me feel like making out. Normally.” B) “That’s one more strike for you, buddy.”

9. Neutral/Positive: “It’s kind of an interesting song, don’t you think? I mean, he’s talking about the rock star getting the groupie, but that the whole thing is just to feel kind of dead inside, you know? It’s just an interesting take on the usual story. Negative: “You’re just sad because you’re not a rock star, nor have you ever made out with one.”

10. Neutral/Positive: “Yes, it makes me want to write letters. You know?” Negative: I expect no negative reactions to this song. Should one arise, recommended action is to treat their disrespect with hostility and objects thrown towards heads.

11. Neutral/Positive: “Feel the groove of it; who wouldn’t love it?” Negative: “Eh, I can see how it might be an acquired taste.” Brood.

12. Neutral/Positive: Cry a little. “It’s just about the most perfect side one, track one of all time. Of all time.” Negative: Cry a lot. “You just don’t understand!” Storm out.

13. Neutral/Positive: “Oh yeah. And have you seen the video? Sci-Fi geeky awesome!” Negative: If a boy, option A. If a girl, option B. A) “Have you seen the video? Christina Hendricks is wearing a bikini.” B) “Have you seen the video? James Mercer and Brian Burton wear skin-tight futuristic space uniforms.”

14. Neutral/Positive: Sing along and smile. Negative: If you want to appease the person, option A. Otherwise, option B. A) “I really just like it because of how ironic it is that a totally underground band has this one song that everybody uses whenever they need a song for the last scene of a film or TV show or car commercial.” B) “Oh, come on, this doesn’t make you want to buy a Ford or see the latest Jason Reitmann film?”

15. Neutral/Positive: “Yeah, and did you know it’s a cover? The original group was Siouxsie and the Banshees.” Negative: “Look, I know Siouxsie and the Banshees did it first, but let it go! Nobody’s heard of either of them so it’s still totally indie rock to like them both!”

16. Neutral/Positive: “What I really like is how it’s actually sung out of tune a little bit.” Negative: “Oh, I’m sorry…do you have perfect pitch?”

17. Neutral/Positive: “Yeah. Totally throwback music.” Negative: “Well, some of us have good taste in music, and then there’s you.”

18. Neutral/Positive: Singing along with the music, “’One-Two-Three-Four, Who’s Punk What’s the Score!’ Ahhh awesomeness!” Negative: Throwing punk signs, “JAWBREAKER!! WHO’S PUNK NOW, BITCH?”

Question: “What did you think of the rest of this album?”

For this question, we will use the same response regardless of tone.

1. “It’s an essential listen to any one who claims they know what emo is all about. Because whatever everyone thinks it’s about, it used to be about the music before it was about hairstyle and skinny jeans and cutting yourself.

2. “Girls in Indie Rock rock way harder than the boys in Indie Rock rock. Rock rock on.”

3. “It’s no Diary.”

4. “I still can’t believe the stupid record company said no to it. Thank the good lord of music for the interwebs. I mean, don’t get me wrong, music still sounds better being picked up out of a groove by a needle, but if these songs hadn’t been leaked on the internet behind the record company’s back, we would never have heard of this. And, let’s be frank; this is Wilco’s best album ever.

5. “It all kind of sounds the same, but that’s not a bad thing because it all sounds pretty good.”

6. “I love ‘Paper Birds,’ the closing track, because it kind of ties the whole album together. Also, ‘Airplane/Primitive’ might be one of the best songs that nobody has ever heard. But, I have to say, bad choice on that first track ‘Children of December,’ I think it’s absolutely terrible.”

7. “Who cares about the rest of the album, I just listen to this one song over and over and over and over…no, just kidding, it’s great. Really.”

8. “This album is totally bedroom music. Like, you get this jammed on your stereo, light a candle, and if you’re not careful, that’s how mommy meets daddy.”

9. “There’s only so much of Conor Oberst whining that I can listen to in one sitting. I generally don’t listen to whole Bright Eyes albums. Too angsty.”

10. “I’m predicting that this is the masterpiece of their career, and that in generations to come this will be like Sgt. Pepper, The Wall, or Weezer’s Blue album. This is the album of the year, and I know it’s early to say, but probably of the decade.”

11. “It’s fun and interesting. It’s good background music for a party since there’s no lyrics. Though I can see how that can limit a band’s fan base, so no wonder they only put out the one album. Have you heard of Five Style? It’s the same kind of band, actually some of the same guys, they put out two albums. Not as good as this one, though.”

12. “’Diary’ is one of the greatest albums ever made. It’s perfect. It’s no wonder the band imploded afterwards, look at what they had to live up to. People were saying they were going to be the next Nirvana. Nobody really wanted that after Kurt Cobain killed himself. And of course, their third and fourth albums weren’t exactly high caliber. But hey, they did a great reunion tour last year, even if they skipped St. Louis.” Wipe a tear away at this point. “Great artwork too, I might add.”

13. “It’s a perfect tidy pop album. Danger Mouse is a genius and this partnership with Mercer was a great opportunity for both of them. I feel like with The Shins, Mercer has to stay true to the sweet-pop styles they’re known for. But with Broken Bells, you know, he’s able to experiment a little. And let’s face it; you’re nobody in today’s music world until you’ve collaborated with Danger Mouse. Well, unless you want to reinvigorate your career, then team up with Rick Rubin. Or if you want to return to the roots of your style, T-Bone Burnett is the guy. One of those three.”

14. “How could you not like it? How could anybody not listen to this band and just instantly love them? It just makes me smile!”

15. “It’s cool how they sound like a hybrid mariachi/Eastern European/American Rock band all rolled into one with tuba and accordion. Also, there’s some punk and an organ.”

16. “I kind of hoped at first that the whole album would follow this theme of robbers and cowards, but, you know, it’s still pretty good.”

17. “The first time I heard it, I thought there were four guys. And then I heard a live recording and I thought, yeah, four guys. So imagine my shock when I found out there were just two!” 

18. “ONE TWO THREE FOUR WHO’S PUNK WHAT’S THE SCORE!!!!!”

Video Blog - Olympics, Procrastination, and The Running Mate Text Message

Like Christmas in July...Free Write Friday on a Monday

[Insert Long List of Excuses Here]

[Insert Witty Comments to Lighten Situation Here]

This week, in honor of Father's Day (which would have been upcoming if I had done this on the right day), I am choosing notawritersfather's suggestion:

Here is the idea I gave Elliot, with which he in turn teased you:
A late middle-aged guy suddenly discovers he has amazing super powers, but he is just too darned tired and jaded to employ them.

notawritersfather wins brunch with me yesterday, and a Schlafly 12 pack sampler which includes three bottles of their signature Pale Ale, three bottles of their smooth Hefeweizen, and three bottles of their current seasonal brew, which I can only assume right now is their Summer Kölsch, and not their Oktoberfest or Coffee Stout.

I, unfortunately, do not recieve any funding for Schlafly Beer. The only thing I do recieve is a feeling of satisfaction, light-headedness, and the rare hangover.

===

June 18th (but it should have been the 15th...) 2007

"He's opening his eyes."

"Are you sure?"

"Look!"

"He shouldn't be here, I mean, he should be..."

"Yeah, I know."

The two voices sounded eerily fraught, which didn't bode well in the mind of Eric Weldon. That is, he reflected, if he even had a mind anymore. He wasn't sure what happened when you died, because this was the first time he had ever done it. And he had done it on purpose, had timed his fall just right so that even if the fall didn't kill him, the convoy of trucks running down the highway to the overpass would surely not have missed. He had blacked out on impact and was only coming around now because he heard voices. He opened his eyes and saw a bright light, in front of which he swore he saw two angels. "Well," he thought, "at least I made it to the doorstep. Even if they do send me down, which they surely will, maybe I can at least get a glimpse of happiness before an eternity of damnation and toil."

He figured, after nearly forty years of unhappy toil, an eternity of more of the same didn't sound too bad. That's why he had jumped, why he had left his keys in plain view in his locked, double-parked car two blocks away. As a final insult to the world, though, he had taken the faceplate from his radio and put it in his front pocket. Somebody could steal his worthless car, but they'd have to break the window to get in and find that there was nothing worth stealing in it. Fuck you, world, take my car. You took everything else.

"Oh, thank God, the authorities are here," Eric heard one of the angels say; he was still having a bit of trouble making them out, and he wasn't sure if that was the brightness of the heavenly light or if it was just that he had jostled his head so badly when he fell. But upon reflection, he realized that it must be the light because his head didn't hurt and that made plenty of sense; in Heaven, you feel no pain. Only joy. He took joy in the thought that he might get a few moments of joy for his soul before being looked over by St. Peter or whoever the authority turned out to be, and sent straight to Hell.

"Right over here," the second voice called. "He just came out of nowhere, landed right in front of me...I ran the bastard over, but it looks like he's coming around!"

A third angel arrived, but now that Eric's vision was clearing up a little, he wasn't sure that they were angels per se. Maybe they were just citizens of heaven...or at least, the first two were. This third one was altogether darker and looked to be wearing some sort of official uniform; this struck Eric harder than he had struck the ground just minutes before. He blinked a few times to try and get a clearer picture.

The light was really preventing him from getting a clear picture, and what's more, the light was starting to hurt his eyes, so he sat up.

"Easy, easy," the darker shadow commanded, a strong hand landing on Eric's shoulder.

"Where am I?" Eric asked, startled that his voice sounded exactly the way he remembered it when he was alive.

"You're on 1-55, right by the Arsenal overpass, and the question I have to ask you is why are you here?" the darker figure asked. Eric's eyes were becoming accustomed to the light and he saw that the dark figure was wearing what looked unquestioningly like a police uniform.

Eric listened and heard the noise of slow moving traffic, smelled exhaust and also the brewery. He looked for the other two angels and saw that one was a rather large shirtless man covered in tattoos, the other wearing a Fed-Ex uniform and hat. The image of a Fed-Ex truck speeding towards the bridge just before he jumped came back to him. "Shit," he said.

"Shit?" the shirtless man asked, spitting on the ground. "You jumped off a bridge into oncoming traffic and all you can say is 'Shit'? You got run over by a big rig and my F-350 and a horse trailer and that's all you gotta say? Well...Shit!"

"It didn't work," Eric said, struggling to get up.

"Easy," the police officer said again, but Eric very easily stood and began to walk under the overpass.

He turned back to look at the spot where he had landed, saw no blood, just a few cracks and some tire marks. He looked down at his body and saw the only signs of damage; his shirt and pants were ripped and had matching tire marks. He screamed the only word he could think of to sum up his feelings before running back in the direction he came, intent on running all the way to the nearest bridge over the river, so he could plunge in and end his life for good.

"Whoa, whoa there," the police man said, restraining Eric with the help of the shirtless spitter and the Fed-Ex driver. "I think you should come with me." By this time the ambulance had arrived and the paramedics were approaching with a gurny. The lead man asked Eric where the victim was.

Eric pointed at himself, and the paramedic became furious. "This is no time for joking around, asshole! Where's the guy that jumped?"

"You're talking to him!" Eric screamed at the man. "I jumped. And I'm fine! And I want to die!" He turned to the cop. "What's the penalty for attempted murder?"

The police officer bristled. "You tried to kill somebody?" Eric nodded. "And it didn't work?" Eric nodded. "That could get you life, buddy."

"Not death?"

"No. Maybe in Texas. But if you tried to kill somebody and it didn't work...have they recieved medical attention?" Eric shook his head no. "You better take me right to him, and then straight downtown." The police officer got on his walkie and called in the attempted homicide. Eric slapped him.

"It's me, asshole! I tried to kill myself and it didn't work! What's the penalty for attempted suicide?"

Stunned, the police officer cancelled the call, took a step towards Eric and grabbed him by his hands. He pushed him across a lane and a half and smack up against the idling ambulance.

"Now I gotcha for attempted suicide, disrupting the peace, and assaulting an officer. You want to try for resisting arrest, too?"

"Can I get the death penalty for any of those things?"

It was several hours later, and Eric had point blank refused to talk to any lawyers. He kept making demands to see Jack Kevourkian, his mother or "the perfect woman." When Dr. Freidman finally arrived, Eric had settled into a silence the police officers deemed impenetrable. It was the arresting officer's opinion that the man should be wrapped in a straight jacket inside a padded room, inside a padded building, inside a heavily guarded and also padded country.

"Mr. Weldon," Dr. Freidman said, "My name is Sydney." He was tall, angular, with a bushy mustache and tight, curly hair, and carried himself with an almost lazy confidence; he looked, in many ways, like Eric himself, except Eric's hair was straight, he wore no facial hair aside from thinning sideburns and he carried himself with a slump; the weight of his troubles was enough to make him appear four inches shorter than he really was.

"Doctor," Eric said.

"Good," Sydney said, "I got you to talk. The chief owes me a twenty if I can just get one more word out of you. What do you say to that?"

Eric pondered this for a moment. He stood up, walked over to where Sydney was standing and pointed at Sydney's breast pocket. "You want my pen?" Eric shook his head yes, and Sydney gave him the pen and also one of his business cards. Eric wrote, "Cut me in for half and we've got a deal" on the back of the business card. Sydney reached into his pocket and handed over a ten dollar bill.

"Thanks," Eric said, handing back the pen and returning to his seat. "I'm going to need all the cash I can get, seeing as how I'm alive and jobless. And also, I got a parking ticket."

"Did you? Is that why you tried to kill yourself?"

"No. I got it while I was trying to kill myself. That was not my intention."

"What was your intention?" Sydney took a seat across the table, leaning comfortably back without looking bored or disinterested, in the kind of trick they must teach you when you become an analyst.

"To have somebody steal my car. And also to actually die. So far, I'm 0 for 2 today."

"I see."

"Also," Eric continued, "I had my faceplate in my pocket, and even though I came out of it in one piece, I can't say the same for the faceplate. So, if I do get out of here, and get my car, I can't even listen to music."

"That is a shame," Sydney said. "Eric, let me tell you why I'm here."

"I know why you're here. You're here to ask me why I tried to kill myself."

Sydney rifled through some papers in his briefcase. "Oh, no, I think I have that figured out." He looked down at a sheet of paper. "Let's see...you just turned 40 and you also just got fired from the same job and same position you were in when you turned 30, making almost the same amount, I might add. Your wife just left with the kids for Davenport, to stay with her mother until she, in her words, 'figures things out,' she drained your bank account, alienated you from all of your friends, your mortgage is past due because she hasn't been paying bills for five months so you're about to have your house repossessed, your parents' nursing home just burnt to the ground with all of their posessions and the insurance money won't cover any of it, and to top it all off, last night you came home and there was a man in your house you didn't know who was looking for your wife whom he called, what was it..." Sydney looked up into Eric's eyes. "Fucky Kitten, was it?"

Eric took several deep breaths. "You forgot something," he finally said.

"What's that?"

"My goldfish died last week."

"Ah, but that was actually your daughter's gold fish."

"Same difference. So, why are you here?"

Sydney shut his briefcase and leaned forward, earnestly. "I'm Dr. Sydney Freidman, and I work for the Rand Corporation and the United States Government. I'm a psychiatrist and also a researcher interested in paranatural phenomena."

There was a long pause before Eric finally spoke. "Para what?"

"Paranatural."

"Why not paranormal or supernatural?"

"Because people think they know what those mean nowadays. No, what I have to say is this: We have several eyewitnesses who saw you fall from the bridge."

"I didn't fall. Falling implies it was an accident. I jumped."

"Jumped, fell, whatever. People saw you. And then, you got run over by several tons of machinery moving at speeds in excess of seventy miles per hour."

"What's your point? That I can't do anything right, not even killing myself?"

Sydney got a weird smile on his face. "Simply put, Eric; you can't kill yourself." This remark was followed by a ridiculous giggle on Sydney's part.

Sydney's giggle, however, was merely met with Eric's face as it fell slowly further into depression. "What?"

"You can't die, at least not by physical trauma."

"Are you telling me that I'm like that guy in Unbreakable?"

"It's exciting. You know, there are actually quite a few people with these paranatural abilities. And we've found many of them. They work special detail in some of the worse places in the world."

"What?"

"We find them, we employ them, and we give their lives meaning. For instance, in your case, you are ready to die. But think of it; with a word, I could stop the foreclosure process on your house. Hell, you could buy five times the house. You wouldn't have to worry about scrounging up for that parking ticket, because it's done, taken care of, and as for the radio, you'd get yourself a free car. Whatever you wanted. Of course, you'd have to go where we tell you, do what we tell you, but you'd never be in any danger at all. Because there's nothing out there that's dangerous enough to hurt you."

"What about bullets?"

Sydney stood up, removed a gun from a holster Eric hadn't seen before, and shot Eric in the chest. Eric stood too late, reeled, flew backwards over his chair and landed hard, breaking the backrest off the chair, and panting on the ground. He had a momentary pain in his chest which dissipated almost as quick as the gunshot had been.

Eric stood up, looking at the mark left on his shirt. "Fuck. I can't even shoot myself to death! Damn it! What about poisons? Drowning myself? Exposure to the Ebola virus?"

Sydney shook his head, returning the gun to the holster. The door opened and three officers came charging in, but Sydney put up his hand. "It's fine. I told you who I am. Get lost." The police officers backed slowly out of the room, the last lingering long enough to glance at Eric, brushing himself down and picking up the mangled chair before throwing it back to the ground. The door closed.

"Mr. Weldon," Sydney said, opening his briefcase again, "medical records are the first indication we have of who has these abilities. Unfortunately, even under the current administration's lax regulatory stance, we are still unable to create situations that can draw these characteristics out. If somebody notices on their own, they usually tell their doctors, we see the records, we can approach them, but we need hard evidnce. Something like surviving a suicide attempt. Although, we wondered; do you remember in fourth grade?"

Eric thought. "What about it?"

"Your two best friends; one got menangitis and nearly died. The other got it, as well, but it was caught early and treated. They never found a trace in your body, but they gave you the medication anyway."

"The doctors said sometimes it can take a while to show up, they were being-"

"College, sophomore year. The girl you were dating, yes?"

"Eliza?"

"You're aware that she had mono, correct?"

"Yeah."

"And you never got it, even though by your accounts to your friends you 'fucked like crazy,' correct?"

"Why do you have that on record?"

"Are you also aware that she had herpes?"

Eric was silent for a long second. "What?"

"Yes. She didn't know it at the time, but she had already contracted it prior to your relationship. And she continued a sexual relationship with the person she had contracted it from while she was with you."

Eric's face fell again. "Eliza was cheating on me? I should have tried to kill myself years ago..."

Sydney snapped his briefcase shut again. "But it wouldn't have been any different then, Mr. Weldon. Here." He handed him a manilla envelope.

"What's this?"

"Information. About our program. Training materials. It's classified, so you are under the strictest penalty not to divulge this information to anyone."

"So...you'd kill me if I told my neighbors?"

"Mr. Weldon, you can't-"

"Then why even bother, I suppose." Eric perused the outside of the envelope. "What happens to the people who don't want to sign up?"

Sydney shifted uncomfortably. "It happens. Some sort of...go into what you'd call private contracting."

"What? They become local superheroes?" Eric laughed at the thought. But the sheepish look on Sydney's face cut off the laugh. "Really?"

"Well, in a manner of speaking, yes, but Mr. Weldon, I urge you-"

"Urge nothing. I have the urge to do nothing." He sighed, handed the envelope back to Sydney. "I can't do anything right, Doctor. Nothing. I can't even kill myself correctly. So thanks, but no thanks. I don't want these powers. For you, it's something exciting. For me, it's just another thing wrong with my life."

"What's wrong with it?"

"It's preventing me from achieving my life's goal?"

"And what's that?"

Eric stood, looked out of the lone window. "Death. Ending it all. I just...don't care. I'd screw it up. The people I'm supposed to save? They'd die. I'd get captured and sentenced to death in the jungles of Burma, and they'd try to kill me every day, and they'd never succeed. It would be...well, honestly, it would be what I was expecting this morning when I jumped. It would be Hell. But I was going to Hell on my terms; I don't want to stay in this Hell on your terms. No thank you," he turned around, "Doctor Freidman, but I'll just keep trying to end my life after my own fashion."

Eric sat back down, and lapsed into a silence to match his earlier one. Sydney stood, silent for five minutes, looking into the half-lidded eyes of Eric. Finally, he left the business card Eric had given him back, with "Cut me in for half and we have a deal" scrawled across the back, packed up the briefcase again, turned and walked out the door.

Across the country, deep in a labyrynthine maze of code-entry corridors, under a thousand tons of rock and soil, a man sat staring at the image of Sydney as he left Eric alone in the small room. The man moved a joystick and the image of Eric grew larger, his hopeless face filling more and more of the screen. A phone rang to the man's right and he answered it.

"Yes, I saw the whole thing. Well played, Doctor. You are right; he is the perfect candidate for our program. Proceed as planned. Keep me posted."

The man hung up and watched as on the screen Eric picked up Sydney's business card and put it in his pocket.


===

And that man's name was neither Lex Luthor, Doctor Ochs, Magneto or even Stan Lee. That's all you get out of me for this one. It was long to make up for it's lateness.

I am off to the Cardinals game.