Fox News Declares Rachel Ray a Terrorist...?

Okay, so I read this story about a Rachel Ray/Dunkin Donuts iced coffee ad on MSN yesterday, and at first I couldn't stop laughing. I mean, leave it to a Fox News political pundit to coin a term like "Hate Coture." I mean, I've seen this type of scarf on many many people, not just radical Islamic Terrorists.

In fact, I would guess that the majority of the people who wears scarves like this are not radical Muslim Terrorists, and of the Mulsim people who wear them, I would bet dollars to donuts that the majority of them are in fact peaceful people of faith, and not Radical Terrorists who hate America. So to say that Rachel Ray (or, to look at some other people mentioned in the article, Colin Farrel, Kanye West and Howard Dean) is a terrorist simply for wearing it is like saying anybody who wears shiny black knee-high boots is a Nazi, or anybody who uses white sheets for anything is a member of the KKK. Sure, some people who wear black boots might sympathize with the Nazi party. Some KKK members likely sleep on white sheets as well as wear them around. And some terrorists wear these scarves. But, seriously? Are we going to condemn everybody? Maybe we should scour the internet for pictures of Michelle Malkin and find out some of her fashion mistakes. Ten bucks to the first person who can link her to North Korea!

But I think the best part of this story is that on the MSN site, the screen capture from the ad in question shows Rachel Ray holding the coffee (like a microphone?) in her left hand while gesticulating, forefinger raised, with her right hand. You will see why that's funny below:



And now why it's funny:

Giving Up the...Golf?

I know I'm about a week behind on this story, but I wanted to give everybody a chance to catch the video before it got bumped down.

So, according to this story on NPR's All Things Considered, our Commander-in-Chimp, the Great Divider (I could keep going but I won't) has made the tremendously heart-warming and self-punishing sacrifice of giving up playing golf in solidarity with the troops fighting in Iraq. According to the original interview with Mike Allen at Politico.com, Bush stated, "I don't want some mom whose son may have recently died to see the commander in chief playing golf. I feel I owe it to the families to be in solidarity as best as I can with them. And I think playing golf during a war just sends the wrong signal.” Hmm...

Geez, you know, Mr. President, if playing golf sends the wrong signal, what about taking time off from your schedule as President of the United States of America to go down to your Crawford Ranch and relax? Is that the right signal? I mean, if we're worried about what it looks like if you play golf...

I mean, geez, if you really wanted to show solidarity with the troops, shouldn't you, I don't know, go overseas and eat only C-rations? Or shouldn't you spend fourteen months away from your friends, your wife, your daughters? At the very least, shouldn't you quit your job to put your life in danger, defending freedom while bullets are being fired at you? I mean...if you want to do that last one, I'll bet your approval rating would shoot straight up.

While we're showing solidarity to our troops by giving up golf, why don't we just show solidarity with the millions of workers who have lost their jobs due to the failing economy by giving up watching movies in whatever gigantic room with a large screen exists in the White House (and don't say there is no such room, there's gotta be)? How about, as a show of solidarity to everybody who struggles to fill the gas tanks on their Honda Civics, you give up premium gasoline for the presidential stretch SUV? How about, in support of the uninsured people in this country, you give up serving Dom Perignon at State Dinners? Yeah. This could be the start of a whole new President Bush...

Seriously. The president is giving up golf. What an inspiration.

Actually, though, this is quite a strategy for setting up a lasting legacy that might illuminate him in a positive light. Imagine that I am president (as a Democrat, or at the very least not as a Republican). Let's pretend that I am elected and war erupts, and American men and women are fighting and dying overseas. That is not to say that if I were elected, I would run is into a war lickety split, but, you know, sometimes, war is unavoidable and even necessary (I am thinking of something on the scale and magnitude of World War II, not, you know, Operation Mission Re-Accomplished Again for the Third Time, or whatever we're calling it now). So imagine I am elected and we get involved in a WWII-style conflict, and I don't play golf, but this is a hypothetical universe, so in this hypothetical situation, I am a golfer. And in this particular hypothetical situation, in which I am a golfer and president during a time of unnavoidable global conflict on the scale of WWII, complete with a Nazi-like enemy who is seemingly unstoppable and ruthless and all of that and only our perseverence and sense that what we are doing is not an offense but purely a defense for all free peoples...wait, I got lost somewhere.

Imagine, if you will, that in several years' time, I am president. The country gets attacked and it hearkens back to Pearl Harbor, there is a global conflict that we now find ourselves entering to defend our freedom. Also, I am a golfer. Here we are in this war, and I go out and play golf. My Republican detractors can look back on the Legacy of Bush the Second and say, "Aha! President Rauscher is not showing solidarity with the troops! Why, the Great George W. Bush gave up golf when he took the country to war!" See? So it is a good move for the Bush administration, at least as far as long-term PR is concerned.

But what signal does this really send? Not to our country, but to our enemies...and yes, I will admit that we have enemies. They exist. We may have created some of them through our country's ridiculous and unforgivable foreign policy, but still they exist and wish to disrupt our every day lives. All they will see is that they have disrupted the life of the president to the point where he no longer plays the silly Imperialist Capitalist Infidel Great Satan game of golf. It's a victory for them, and it's a bit demoralizing on the home front.

Look, I'm not saying that President Bush shouldn't have given up golf, but to think that this gesture is a real sacrifice, to even imply that it's even remotely equal to the sacrifice of our men and women who are putting their lives on the line? No. Absolutely not, Mr. President. My opinion of you would have at the very least stayed the same if you had never given up golf. Now, you've only succeeded in lowering it.

In Time for My Sesquecentennial Post...

I give you...

Apartment Ten

We Are (Almost) Back In Business!

Well, see, silly me and my wanting to maintain a higher video quality...what was I thinking? So, I had to compress it into an mpeg2 (mpeg4 w/mp3 audio was still too big), which is just a suck, but the point is it will soon be posted to Google Video, which means once it goes through review, I can post it on the blog. Yay! A month later!

Right, so, a few new updates to the blog. First off, a new poll is coming for all of you to vote on. And then, there is of course, the updated links list. And in the interest of interesting you all, I am going to go through the links one by one and tell you what they are all about.

NPR

If you don't listen to NPR, you should, and if you do, good. My local station KWMU just came under a bit of fire for what their general manager likes to call her management style, but that doesn't change the fact that NPR itself is great. Sure, sometimes it can be a little, um, ear grating (Diane Rehm's voice), some of the hosts can get a bit sycophantic (hello Terry Gross), but all in all, it's a good source of news and entertainment. I like to play the Wait Wait Don't Tell Me online quiz every day to keep up with odd news.

...But I Am a Cyclist

You see, it's funny because I actually am a writer and not much of a cyclist. But there's a small amount of posts on there, I update very infrequently (even moreso than on here) but I get some good rants in on the state of affairs in cycling. There's also a list of links on that blog, but I won't go into them.

Turbochubs

Formerly the link read "Gerald Has Returned" but he's been returned for a while now, so I figured I'd retitle the link. Gerald's a designer, into hockey and is probably the most politically liberal of all of my friends, which is no bad thing. He's got a healthy mix of NHL, politics, and Daily Show clips interspersed with other tidbits and hilariousness. Check him out, yo.

Whiskey Tastes Better When You Have Problems

My former roommate from college, Chris and I rioted after the U of MN won hockey nationals in 2002. We also drank cheap vodka (read: he drank cheap vodka and I spent money I didn't have on Smirnoff, which I know, is cheap vodka, but if I considered that splurging, just imagine what he was drinking...), played simultaneous Dark Forces (Chris on PSOne, me on PC), pondered rearranging our room once, and he also took a video of me riding my bicycle down the hallway (at a terrifying-for-indoor-riding 26 miles an hour). But, through all of that, it seems we kind of forgot about going to class every so often, and I ended up leaving and he ended up in a little bit of trouble. But hey, you live and if you're lucky (like Chris and I), you learn and you move on with life and you stay friends and such. Check out his blog, he talks a lot about sports in the Twin Cities. Proving once again that all the sportswriters out there with their degrees in Journalism have nothing against a fan with a dangerous amount of time on his hands and a gift for the written word. Check it out.

mGk

Formerly titled "Mo and Kev and Maddy," I liked the simplicity of the look of the mGk, so I went with it. For a while, it was a blog about my sister, her husband, their house and their cat, and then it was about how my sister was dealing with her husband, house and cat while she was pregnant, and then, about a year ago (May 4th, actually, of 2007), it became all about my niece Madeline. She's adorable. Except she watches American Idol, which I just can't get down with. I gotta help that girl out with some serious Good Television Marathons. Mo, Kev, send Maddy over. We're gonna spend the weekend watching Arrested Development.

Idealism Never Goes out of Fashion

A new addition to the list, Becca is another of my Minnesota friends. Memories of her always included either Fiona Apple, Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, Piggly Wiggly, or her stealing various items from my room and then kicking me in the ding-ding. She's working on her Master's Degree in (appropriately enough) Middle Earth itself, New Zealand. Let's see if I can get this right...she was a clothing design undergrad, and is getting her masters in textiles? Yes? Becca, feel free to correct me if I am wrong (which I almost never am). Her blog is about life in New Zealand, with a fair amount of an emphasis on living a greener life and even, it seems, a bit about clothing design and textiles. Hey alright! Check it.

Auntie Maine

My mother's youngest sister Nora lives in Maine with her husband and two children, and there's not much to do up there in the long winter months, so they find ways to entertain themselves and, sometimes, the readers of their blog. Updates are few and far between, but sometimes you don't need an update, you can just keep reading her old posts and the comments that pop up there from, say, my mother and my other aunt. So click the link; let it never be said that "You can't get theah from heah."

TGSeale.com

A friend of mine from Webster, Tanya Seale is a fellow writer who is a bit further along in her writing career than I am. But what we both have in common is that we both got plays produced at Surfacing 2008. I really liked hers quite a bit, and I am looking forward to seeing more of her work next semester when we have our fiction workshop together. A word to those with slow interweb connections: her site is a bit of a slow loader because it's got a lot of stuff on it. But check out her blog anyway, she writes the same kinds of things that I do, only, you know, more frequently, like, you know, a good blogger.

JMG Design

Like Gerald, John is a friend from my days working in Retail. Of the four of us represented here (Gerald, John, Colleen, me), John was the first to escape to work on his garden, a passion of his which he has turned into a small business of designing gardens for people. Check it out, he's full of information about what to plant where and when, plus he's got recipes for great dinners and drinks.

These Walls Are Paper Thin...

Colleen escaped the drudgery of retail toil only to experience the drudgery of office toil. But, be that as it may, she still finds plenty to keep her mind occupied elsewhere. Lately, she's been doing the Apartment Cure, which is interesting to read about, because she divulges some secrets about how high off the ground to hang pictures and other strange tidbits you didn't know people wrote books and made websites and did bad reality TV shows about.

Annie Get Your Blog

While the link text is not the official title, I will never change it because it came to me in a moment of clear thought, and to me it seemed clever. But "What I Do Not Understand" is one of my favorite blogs; Annie's got a sweet touch to her writing style that makes me forgive her for being a Cubs fan, which is no small feat. And of the bloggers I've linked to, aside from family members Annie is my oldest friend, seeing as how we've known each other since we were like, twelve (oh my God, Annie, we've known each other more than half of our lives. That makes me feel kind of old). And what doesn't Annie understand? Well, actually, she understands quite a bit. I think it's the fact that we live in a world where so many things are understandable that shouldn't be that makes it hard for her to understand the world. If that makes sense. Also, she claims to be married to Yadier Molina, but I haven't confirmed that with either Yadi or Annie's boyfriend.

The McGrath Family

My uncle Dennis is nine years older than my cousin Brian, who is nine years older than me, and I am nine years older than my cousin Maggie. Maggie is the only one who's never lived in Minneapolis. So you know what that means? She better move there to keep up tradition. But in the meantime, you can check out the blog about Dennis' family, maintained mostly by his wife Laurie. It centers mostly on their two beautiful daughters, Mia and Mazlin, both of whom were adopted from Guatemala. Laurie's posts are often hilarious, sometimes heartbreaking (but the good way, not the bad way), occasionally laced with anger (check out the recent post about Teleflora and the Today Show calling adopting mothers "Non-Mothers"), but always written from that cozy spot in Laurie's soul where she keeps her children. Ask her if she is an innie or an outie.

Post Secret

If you don't know what Post Secret is yet, you will be addicted soon.

Stuff White People Like

Um...let's see, how many items from this list have I mentioned on my blog? Well, just in this one post, public radio, the daily show, bicycling and Arrested Development. Let's see, um, we used to like Jettas but now we like the Toyota Prius (but we do still like Jettas). I think I've mentioned Free health care before. If I haven't mentioned Wes Anderson Films, I should have. Arts Degrees, Kathy and I both guilty (or rather, she is guilty and I will be guilty). Microbreweries, I love those. Writing workshops, had plenty and will have more. Coffee, I've talked about coffee. Oh, I talked about Organic Coffee once, and white people love organic food! I have Trader Joe's bags in my car, that's grouped with Whole Foods/Grocery Co-Ops as well...see? White people love being white.

The System is Down

Homestar Runner Dot Net. "It's Dot Com!" Seriously, you guys gotta check it out. Strong Bad E-mails and Teen Girl Squad are a must. And the absolute musts are Strong Bad E-Mail Dragon, Japanese Cartoon, Rock Opera, and...Tape Leg? Seriously.

Daryl Cagle

Okay, I know there are people out there who only get their news from The Daily Show and the Colbert Report (another thing white people like), but I am not one of those people. I get my news from NPR...and also from Daryl Cagle's professional cartoonist index. See, when you look at over a hundred artists' editorial cartoons, you get to see positions from each side of every major story/issue in a very quick, concise way. It works for me.

That's about it for now. Look for the video in a day or so, just gotta let it load up through Google Video and go through the process. Have a wonderful rest of your week all!

We Are Experiencing Technical Difficulties

Because I likes my quality, I uploaded the video to my computer as high quality as I could. So in addition to being seventeen minutes long (too long for youtube or Blogger video), it is also three gigabytes in size (way too large for most video hosts).

I thought I had solved this issue by finding Google Video. They have no file size or length limitations. What they do suggest, however, is to use this thing called the Google Video Uploader if your file happens to be over 100 megabytes. So, I downloaded the sucker. Tried to upload the .avi of my play. More than 48 hours later, it still hadn't uploaded onto Google Video's server from my computer. So, I tried to troubleshoot.

Google Video is telling me I should convert the file to an mpeg-4 with an mp3 audio layer, and that it should not have been shot/imported in widescreen. Suck. But, it goes on to note, it should still work. Only, it hasn't, and there has been no further help. So, for the time being, no video of my play just yet.

But, this whole looking-and-trying-to-find-a-video-host thing got me thinking; I looked at three options; Blogger Video, YouTube and Google Video. Each has distinct characteristics, advantages. For instance, Blogger Video keeps all of my content right there together. The video is not imbedded in my blog from somewhere else like YouTube, it's part of the disk space my blog takes up. For free! YouTube has the recognition, the easily-navigable website we're all very familiar with now, and high traffic for such things to become nice and viral. While Google Video has the advantage of being limitless in regards to file size and length. But the strange thing about this is...all three of these options are owned and controlled by Google. I hate to make this comparison, because I love my gmail and I dig Blogger, but Google is becoming the Internet's equivalent of Rupert Murdoch. In fact...I'm not sure, but...does Rupert Murdoch own Google? Or does NewsCorp have some sort of partnership with Google? I know NewsCorp owns myspace.com, and I know Google and myspace have partnered in the past...well, that sounds like some research I will never do. Oh well. Anyway, I guess the question I have is this: Why does one company have to offer three different brands of video hosting? It just seems silly.

Anyway, if anybody out there has any suggestions for the video, let me know. Thanks for staying tuned!

Surfacing Wrap-Up (Video to come later)

Alright, so we had a roller coaster ride this year. Two directors (one the AD) and one show out, no venue and a near void of on campus advertising, and we pulled it off.

I have to thank a not small handful of people here, so let me do that:

First, to Jenni, my original director and the original Artistic Director: You laid the foundation for the show, and it could not have been done without all the work you did. I'm sorry you didn't get a chance to see it through, but I'm sure we did you proud. And I don't just mean Apartment Ten, I mean the whole thing.

To Megan, who did her best and beyond to fill Jenni's shoes. Megan, now, when you leave, your shoes will be enourmously hard to fill. You rock and we all love you.

To Kathleen, my awesome friend, pretty much my favorite former co-worker and my favorite schoolmate, and the writer of the best show at Surfacing 2008. Thanks for organizing the cast party at the last minute. You are incredible. Just like Target was never the same after you left, Webster will never be the same without you. You've been a true friend, a confidant and always a shoulder to lean on, and you know that I've always been and will continue to be the same for you. More than just the general you rock and we love you (which is true), you absolutely rock and I love you.

To Michael Ericson, my advisor and the faculty advisor to Surfacing. Sorry for the last minute jolt, but as you became well aware eight days before the curtain went up, communication this year was next to non-existent. Your help was not just invaluable; it was infinitely more important than anything else in those crucial last few days. Thank you.

To Hannah, writer and subsequent director of Confessions of a True Romantic. You did it! This is less of a thanks and more of a congratulations, but thanks to you anyway because without you, Surfacing 2008 wouldn't have been the same. You, Kathleen and I were certainly not the only writers who cared, but I think the three of us got the full experience out of Surfacing that we possibly could have.

To the family and friends who came to see the show. I want to write, and it's because of you that I don't give up. Thank you so much for the support. I appreciate all the kind words about my play, even if I don't believe mine was the best, it was nice to hear it from you.

To Theresa, whom I met at the cast party Saturday Night. We had never met before and probably will never meet again, but that only makes your comment stand out more. For those of you who haven't heard this story, I introduced myself to her, she introduced herself to me, she asked me if I was a writer or director and of which show, and when I told her I wrote and directed Apartment Ten, her eyes got big, she grabbed her boyfriend's arm and said, "That was my favorite one! Dan, didn't I tell you that was my favorite one? That was my favorite one!" Hearing it from family is awesome, but hearing it from a stranger can be life fulfilling.

To my cast. Beth, Tyler, Sheri, and Sam. Each of you reached into your character and brought out something I didn't intend but that should not have been left out. I guess the right cast for the script can do that. Beth, thank you so much for stepping up and being my assistant, I needed you more than I think I let on. Tyler, I wish we had more nights just so I could see what else you could do with your character...taking a bite of the pizza? Ho-ly awesomeness. Sheri...what can I say, except Oh God Yes? And Sam, awkward white boys everywhere are in awe of your awkward white boy dance moves. For serious. You four were the best cast I could have possibly hoped for. Watching the other plays, looking at the people I had considered for your parts, I realized how completely different the show would have been, and I don't think it would have been half as good.

To the rest of the writers, directors and cast members not yet mentioned, you all were awesome. Thank you for not bailing when things looked grim. Four days until curtain and we still didn't have a venue, and you stuck it out. We couldn't even get into the venue until the day of, and nobody lost their cool. And look, we came through it and I made many new friends and so did you. You were all fantastic.

And, finally, last but not least, I want to thank my wife Kathy. Not just for video taping Sunday's performance, not just for showing up with three people outside the Webster University fold, but for everything else. While you had no affiliation whatsoever with Surfacing or Apartment Ten, neither would have been a success without your love and support. Thank you for believing in me, thank you for your honesty, and most of all, thank you for loving me. Sometimes I wonder why you love me, but I read something last week in a play by Neil LaBute: Don't worry about "why" when "what" is right in front of you. Okay. Sounds good to me.

Sorry for those of you looking for a review of Surfacing, I just can't do it. Stay tuned, though, I'll throw a video up here as soon as Google Video Uploader takes care of it. If you want to read a review, I suggest not going to Lanz Christian Banes' um, "story" about Surfacing at The Webster University Journal for a review as it is not in any way shape or form a review. Also, note, that I am listed as a senior and not a junior. Despite this typo, the dean has decided I am not eligible for graduation (even though I cited the saying "If it's in the paper it must be true." He says that only holds if the story accompanied by lots of complimentary colorful graphs and pie charts like USA Today). Lanz himself has a long history of not getting the story right, or of getting only half of it, or of telling an in-depth investigative piece when he should be reviewing a play festival. But enough about how much I dislike this guy. This is about my play.

Well, like I said, stay tuned, I'll post a video of it soon. It will be located at the end of this post, right...um...just a second...wait for it...wait for it...wait for it...keep waiting...hominahominahomina HERE:

(video to follow. not here yet)

Coming Attractions

Coming soon to an Interweb-Gateway-Enhanced Computeroliamatron: Updates Galore! The long-anticipated series of posts from the acclaimed writer/producer of such favorites as "You Think You Know Webster University?", The "Fall Break Blogapalooza Extravaganza," and "Your Questions, Answered: Volumes 1, 2, 4, and 5" comes this season's most exciting epic:

Elliot Is Not A Writer: The Blogpire Strikes Back!

Read as Elliot updates you on Surfacing:

Elliot: It was totally awesome, except for the botched back flipping Ninjas and the untimely pizza delivery. That poor squirrel never saw it coming.

Continue reading as Elliot restarts his Tuesday Excerpts:

from a Term Paper, Spring 2008:

...Oim a gud gohrl, Iyamm! God, just shut up, Liza Doolittle. You make me sick!

Watch as he answers your questions:

Q: Are you...do you like...you like girls right?

A: Yes, mother.

Read his All New Free Write Fridays:

And suddenly, without warning, the sentence ended before it was finishe.

Coming soon.

Surfacing!

Well, as I said before, we lost our venue. And now we have a new one!

This Friday, Saturday and Sunday (April 18-20) at Nerinx Hall, EAC Auditorium (if you come, just follow the signs). Nerinx Hall is the all girls Catholic High School next to Webster University in Webster Groves. Friday and Saturday at 7:30, Sunday at 2. It should be fun. The plays are as follows:

The Walk On - A Study in Heroics, Villainy, Innocence and Plot Twists.
One Hundred Million Dollars and The Penguin Trainer - A Treatise on Fate.
Don't Die In Teeter - A Portrait of Life and Death in Rural USA.
Confessions of a True Romantic - The Love Life and Times of A Young Woman.
Apartment Ten - A Gripping Tale of Love, Death, and Take-Out.
Cafe Deux Parfaits - Fifty Years in Four Cups of Coffee.

Things are going well with the show. I mean, we have some kinks to work out before tomorrow night, but things should be smooth. I was having trouble with some of the performances from my cast, not anything I could put my finger on, just a nagging sense of something, but last night at the dress rehearsal almost all of those nagging lingering doubts were blown out of the water. I think it was being in front of an audience of sorts that made it work. It's hard to act in front of just your director, but when you've got a room full of people, the adrenaline kicks in. I'm proud of my cast for the way they pulled it off last night.

As for the rest of the shows, they will make you laugh. Some might even make you think. Some might make you cringe and/or cry. But that's to be expected in the Theatre.

I hope to see you all there. Becca, catch a flight. Minnesota kids, it's all about the carpool. Home friends, you will be written out of my will and into my stories (and not in a good way) if you do not come. Family, you are obligated. OBLIGATED!

I will not take no for an answer.

Enjoy the show!

Okay, Joke's Over...

If you hadn't already figured it out, that last post was indeed an April Fool's Day Prank. Not the best one, but the better one I had planned fell through due to a lack of the victims being home. Silly parents.

But now, to the bad news; In two weeks, Surfacing has lost the artistic director (and subsequently, the director of my play), the venue, and an entire play due to people pulling out. Damn.

So, our Assitant Director stepped into the Artistic Directing role, and I stepped into the role of director of my play, but who knows how that will turn out. I hate directing. It's a disaster and a half. I also had to play the messenger to the writer of the play that is being taken out of the show...although we've got eight days, she may put something together, and if push comes to shove, the artistic director said we could just do a dramatic reading of it. Hmm.

As far as the venue, well, we've got some possibilities. One of them would mean cutting the Friday performance from the run, and doing only matinee showings on Saturday and Sunday. That's Stage 3. I made the suggestion of using WGHS's little theater, and now I am making it my mission to get in touch with somebody at the high school who can help me out there (any of you WGHS alumns in my audience have any ins...I know Grooms left the year after I graduated, I have no idea who the drama teacher is now). And in doing so, plus being there during the discussion of the ousted play, and having a lot of input, it looks like maybe now I am second in command. Which, really, I don't have time for.

So...to recap: Surfacing will be next weekend. Maybe Friday-Sunday, but also maybe just Saturday and Sunday. It will be at...um...TBA? And no, not TBA the band that I formed for one show only my sophomore year of high school, and also not TBA, the Bluth Family's fundraising benefit.

I would list Surfacing 2008 as a qualified disaster. But we'll see. As far as my play goes, I just need to take the reins a little more and direct them. I like what I see, but I don't love it. I need to trust them to listen to me when I tell them what I want. They can't read my mind, they can only read my script. I've got to do the rest now.

Hmm. Well, further bulletins as events warrant. Good night and good luck.

An Update

Well, folks, it has been a while. So sorry.

My cast got changed on me. For my play. Not cool. See, when I had the guys read, I was pretty ho-hum on some of them, three stood out as quality leads, but one and only one stood out as the secondary male character; John Richter. And so we cast him as the secondary male lead.

My director, though, has been not returning my phone calls/facebook messages/e-mails/smoke signals/frantic pleas of help, so I had no idea how my play was going until last Thursday when she (finally) made it to our Thursday night class, and told me "Things are going well, but I need you to rewrite the ending. Beth is not eating spaghetti off of Ben's head."

Total bullshit, that's what I wrote in my play, but I see her point...ultimately, the spaghetti would spill onto the stage, and somebody would have to then clean it up before the next play went on, which could take a while. It is, after all, spaghetti.

So last night, I ran into Beth (the secondary female lead) and asked her how it was going. She also said it was going well, and that the cast was really great, that Ben's characterization of the lead is awesome, that Sherry's moments shine, etc, so I was enheartened. Then, I saw John Richter and asked him how he thought it was going. And he had no idea what I was talking about. No clue. Hmm...

He had been cast in two plays, as a very minor character in one and a relatively minor character but with a major prescence in mine. And he's only doing the other play. My director hadn't even approached him! What the crap?

So, today, I ran into Beth again, and she said that the guy (I already forgot his name) who is playing the second male lead is...okay, but that Richter would have been perfect. I agree. He would have been.

Ugh.

But school, other than that, is going...um...crappy. Listen, all you hangers-on and faithful fews, I gotta tell you; title abstracting ain't glamorous, but it pays the bills a lot better than any dewey-eyed fantasies I may have about writing idiotic stories for the rest of my life. I'm definitely going through a quarter-life crisis, but I'm definitely coming out the other end of it realizing that I've made some good choices and some bad, and amongst those bad choices are the return to school. Well, no, but to return to school and invest so much time and effort (not to mention the cash) into a degree that will let me do what? Nothing! Continue my job title abstracting, apply to grad schools and rekindle that dying hope for another two measley years at great financial cost? And at the end? Another degree, another sixty-thousand dollars in debt, and a stack of Works by Elliot Rauscher that aren't fit to wipe snot with. Because let's face it, I am not a writer.

Alright. I'm done. My point is that after this semester, I'm dropping out of school forever. There's nothing there for me anymore. And there's no reason to stay on. I've had my fun...I got a story published at one school and I'm getting a play produced at this one, so I figured I should go out when there's nowhere to go but up. I couldn't stand falling back down after that. So no more school. No more Webster University, no more sitting in a class filled with people who every year look younger and younger (think of it...next year's freshman were born in 1990/91. I've wrecked cars older than that!), no more silly stories, no more plays. No more Tuesday Excerpts or Free Write Fridays. None of that. After this semester, I graciously hang up my quill and focus on just breathing and living life. Setting attainable goals.

So this shall be my last blog post. Fare well, readers. I will leave the blog up for a few days, to give the stragglers a chance to read these, my last words to the masses. Goodbye. And remember; in years hence, when people ask you about me, your response should be, "Elliot? Elliot is not a writer."

An Update.

You Think You Know Webster University?

Inspired by my buddy Chris' latest blog about the best of the U of M, I thought it would be a fun exercise to do a similar assessment of Webster University because I know Sports Illustrated ain't gonna do it. So, with all the best-ofs they have on their list (and subsequently, Chris has on his), I will do the exact same list about my school.

Best Sports Arena

Grant Gymnasium. Actually, it's the closest thing we have to a stadium. Imagine the gym at your local YMCA. Now imagine it with twice as many seats. Actually, I think Roberts Gym at my old high school is bigger, and it's right across the street. The high school already uses our pool, and we're already using their classrooms, so why don't we just use their gym? I'm sure there's room for us amongst their championship banner they just got to hang.

Best Pizza Shop

Imo's Pizza. While Racanellis is fine pizza, when in Rome, do as the Romans do, and not as the New Yorkers do. But New Yorkers will tell you that Racanellis is not real NY style pizza. But Imos is real St. Louis style pizza. It is thin. It is greasy. It is cut in squares. It's covered with Provel cheese (not mozzerella or provelone). Now, if only Fortell's would open a location in Webster, we'd be set.

Best Outdoor Studying Area

Well, gee, I guess that depends. If you're a philosophy or English student, the best spot is either in the ivy garden outside Pearson House, or the grotto-like area behind Priest House. If you're in Music or the Conservatory, you probably like Loretto Commons, that area outside the Loretto Hilton center that always gets covered with tents and tables when the Opera Theatre opens up in May. And if you're any other student, you don't like to study outside, you study in the Jazzman cafe and drink expensive coffee, and then when you're done you go out to the Library Quad and play touch football or, if you're lazy enough and nobody's already there with a pigskin looking to put together a pickup game, you can throw the frisbee around.

Best Bar

I guess really there are no bars on campus, but there's a couple nearby. Most of them are the hoity-toity Webster Groves bars for the people who live in the WG, not for the people who go to school there. There's the RoadHouse, but that used to be Ellie Frizelli's and before that JP Fields and before that Streetside Records, so confirming that place as the best bar would be silly because it'll be gone in three years. I'd say the best bar near campus is Cousin Hugo's. Great, cheap burgers and fairly inexpensive drinks. If you go there for lunch on a nice enough day, you can get some of their BBQ which always smells tantalizingly good on my way by it if I happen to be headed that way in the middle of the day.

Best Spot for Weekend Breakfast

Einstein's Bagels. They do breakfast okay, but I hate their lunch. But their breakfast is pretty good. Or, failing that, use your meal plan at Marletto's. If you dare.

Best Laid-Back Student Hang Out

Well...there's really only the one student center, and it's being encroached upon by the small but noticeably growing Jockocracy that infests that side of campus. But I guess that'd be the place, the Student Center. They have a Blimpie and a place to get smoothies, and a giant television, and computer terminals and comfy couches. Sure. Why not.

Best Student Section

Um...let me see...student section? I guess by Chris' blog that's defined as the section at a sporting venue where the students sit. Hmm...um...Webster students go to games?

Best Pre-Game Spot

Okay...I know this list was made by Sports Illustrated, but come on! Pregame spot? We don't even have a game spot!

Biggest Reason For Excitement on Campus

Surfacing. Definitely Surfacing. Also, the Roots are coming for Springfest. Last year we had, like, Edwyn McCain or someone like that.

Best Week To Visit Campus

The week that Surfacing is happening. Or, failing that, Springfest. Nothing like the drunken debauchery that is the U of M's Spring Jam, we have a mild buzz all week from the imported beer we drink and a contact high from the smoke drifting out of the art building, and we groove to some music and forget to do our homework on Wednesday night, but other than that, it's pretty calm. Unless you're a member of the Jockocracy. Nobody can explain it, but they get super excited about Springfest and drink lots of Bud Light, and then run around the campus yelling, "Damn!" It's a little weird.

Best Off-Campus Hangouts

The aforementioned Hugos, and also Coffee Cartel in the Central West End is kind of the meeting place for all the cool kids from Webster U, Washington U and St. Louis U to gather and make fun of all the Lindenwood U, Fontbonne U and UMSL kids who are afraid they'll get mugged and run into the Starbucks across the street. The Loop is always worth a stop, and Maplewood is a happening place with new clubs and stuff. Washington Avenue is nice, if you're in that financial league. But if you're a freshman and you don't know much about St. Louis, just stick to walking to Old Orchard and going to McDonalds. Trust me. Woo yeah.

Surfacing Update and A New Link!

For those who were wanting it, here's an update on the play. Our first casting session was very disappointing. We only had ten people show up, and of those ten, only four struck me as right for any of the roles in my play. One of the guys, and three of the girls, two of which would have been great in the role of Edna (the old lady), and one of which would have been great for Melissa...until she said she was not comfortable reading a bit of dialogue (the bit that made me want to cast her in the role of course...) because that part is, um...have you ever seen When Harry Met Sally, most specifically, the scene in the deli, where Rob Reiner's mother says "I'll have what she's having"? Yeah. It's kinda like that.

And then, our second session got cancelled due to bad weather. So we had to wait a week, and then we had to contend with a basketball game.

Since when do students at Webster University care about/go to basketball games? I mean...the type of people who would audition for surfacing? It's just weird. To me, anyway. Maybe not to you.

But, we got enough people to cast all six plays (only one person doubled up on roles, the guy I wanted from the first night). We didn't get the exact cast we wanted, but we got the Edna, Delivery Man and Melissa I wanted. We got our third choice for Ben, but that's because our first choice for Ben was everybody's first choice for something. So, should be good. Rehearsals start after spring break. The show is April 18, 19 and 20 at the Loretto Hilton theater, downstairs in the black box theatre (possibly set up as a theatre in the round, which could cause problems for some of the shows but we'll work around it).

Okay, so, there's your update. And now, let me point out some new stuff. First off, I removed a couple of links from my list, most notably Memory Machine's Urban Exploration blog and Alan's Sports blog, because neither of them had been updated in quite some time. I set up a new poll so you can all help me shape my spring break plans. And I added a new link: Whiskey Tastes Better When You Have Problems. Written by my old room mate Chris, it's got all your information on Gopher Football and the daily life of an unemployed Minnesotan you could desire. Go check him out. Tell him Elliot sent ya.

It's 60 here. Last week, it was ice storming. Go figure.

Laying it On The Line

I am back on anti-depressants.

Some of you may not know that I was ever on them in the first place. Well, not in the first place. The first place was an apartment on Dale Avenue, and we moved out when I was three months old.

No no, I went on anti-depressants when I was nineteen and in danger of flunking out of college (which, eventually, did happen), and at the time I was willing to try them. It worked a bit. It helped. But after a while, I didn't like how I felt. My range of emotion was diminished. In the depths (but I don't want it to sound like they were very deep depths, because my depression was classified as "subclinical"), I was churning out between two and eight pages of writing a day. And looking back on some of it, it was emotionally raw and laced with irony and pessimism. Anger, too. Baffled confusion at a world gone mad, and me without a place in it. The medication killed the feelings. And the pages.

This time, I have not been very prolific in my pages leading up to this moment, this opening of the container and washing down the first pill moment. I've just been stressed and unhappy, but erratically so. Manic, they used to call it. Bipolar some people would say. No. Not that far. I went to the same doctor. He didn't remember me, and I remember his accent being not quite as thick. He classified me again as "Subclinical" which is a term for depression that is borderline, easily manageable but often more disruptive than full blown depression. I think last time he hit, this time he may have missed. Maybe he hit, just less solidly.

Why would I tell everybody something so personal?

A year ago last week, a good man died. He once said "There's no freedom unless you're vulnerable first." This is me being vulnerable. Being free. I just took my third pill (no no, no...I didn't just take three in a row, I got them on Monday), washed it down with the last of the Tropicana OJ, the healthy heart with Omega 3 (so I don't have to take fish oil pills), and sat down to compose this post. My cat is drinking water from his bowl, and it's time to feed him for the evening, take the trash out, and settle into bed for a little Silverblatt Chapters 10-11, Media Literacy worksheet, cuddling, and eventually, sleep. The most sought-after side-effect that I remember having from taking these the first time was that I could sleep at night. I'm looking forward to that. That's about it though.

I keep my antidepressants together; in fact, the first pill I took on Monday got washed down with my other antidepressant. I keep the pills behind the canister my coffee beans are in. I find it hilarious, the juxtaposition of these two things, but yet the power. My coffee is whole bean, organic, fair-trade. Grind it up, brew it, drink it. My pills are processed to the hilt. Developed and manufactured in a lab. Do not crush. Take whole. Yes, I started drinking coffee. A habit I am comfortable picking up. I tried smoking again. Go ahead, Mom. Call me out on it. I already called myself out. Stupid thing to do. Won't happen again. Coffee I can handle. Cigarettes belong in a fantasy version of me, the one that gets to stand in Humphrey Bogart's trench coat and punch Peter Lorre in the face with his own gun. Coffee I can handle. I have a flask. I've never used it. I don't plan on it. Cigarettes give you a light-headed buzz because they deprive you of oxygen. Alcohol impairs your ability to drive, rationalize, think, and is also a depressant. Seems like a bad idea to supplement antidepressants with booze. The drowsy eye alcohol warning should not be misconstrued as a winking eye alcohol suggestion (anyone? anyone? reference?). But coffee...coffee makes you jittery and gives you energy. It elevates the heart rate in an overabundant quantity, which I have not done since the day I found out the coffee stand in the St. Paul student center accepted flex dine (I drank FIVE chai tea lattes that day. the big ones). It is a vice that is acceptable. And, like the alcohol I restrict myself to (mostly), I have standards. That is why my coffee is organic, fair trade, whole bean. It meant I had to buy a grinder. It means I will eventually want to buy a new coffee maker. But it's there. And I use it.

To close, I will give you the lyrics to a favorite song of mine.

My antidepressant
Hope-giving Holy Mud.
If I only, if I
I
Only drink enough!
I can see clear my escape,
I can see into another
Into another state.

From Coffee Girl by MK Ultra (you should totally check them out, along with John Vanderslice)

Hmm...

Well, aside from the positive response from The Murder Hour and Molly, my big announcement about actually being a writer has been met with a resounding silence. Apparently, I should stick to politics.

The Unfinished (and also unstarted) Play

I was super excited when I started school at Webster in the fall of 2006: It was the right size, I liked the people, it was close, it was quaint. It was fun. The classes were awesome. And I found out there was a one-act play festival called Surfacing. So I wrote a play and submitted it, and it was not picked.

But, I was friends with one of the readers/directors and the assistant artistic director as well, and they both said they liked my play, but that it was passed over for casting reasons (and apparently, one of the other directors was so upset it wasn't picked, he almost quit). But I didn't actually know the extent of all of that until last night.

But before I get there, let me just explain about this year. I took two semesters' worth of playwriting classes so I would have a nice selection of work to submit to Surfacing for this year. And when it came down to it, the only one I wanted to submit was too long. So I set about to write a new play, only I started too late and my idea was too grandiose and I missed the deadline.

Well, life goes on, right? I have another year to craft a play.

Only Thursday, which was already shaping up to be kind of a lousy day for various reasons, I got an e-mail from the Artistic Director (last year's assistand AD), and she asked me to write a play for her to direct for Surfacing.

!!

So, I met with her last night after work at Jimmy Johns in Maplehood, and we discussed what she wants. And what she wants is a new play by Elliot M. Rauscher. Sweet!

Only, I have a week and a half to get enough of a rough draft to cast from. So, okay, I've got a deadline.

But this is exciting! I actually got commissioned to write a play. Somebody likes my work so much that they will, sight unseen, agree to produce one of my plays. Guys, get this...Elliot IS a Writer! Yeah!

If it comes down to being a writer or running for president, I guess I'll be a writer. But I think I can handle both. I mean, actually, being a writer is a good thing in a president; don't we all want a literate president? I know I do.

Anyway, I just thought I would give you all the good news. I'll post more about when the festival is so you can come see my play. It'll be in April some time. It's exciting! Oh, and don't expect to see any excerpts from it on here...it will be all fresh and new for you in April. And if you can't make it, well, that's your own fault. For reals.

Music to blog by: Rufus Wainwright - The Art Teacher

Further Policy Information

A couple of questions were asked, and I feel I should address them quickly, though they address among the more controversial issues...abortion and gay marriage.

Alright, well...idealistically, I am pro life. This not only means I do not condone abortion, I also do not condone the death penalty. But that's just idealistically. I don't openly oppose abortion. There are situations (rape, incest, date-rape, etc) where abortion is quite understandable. But using abortion as a means of contraception is right out. I think education is important. Oh, yeah, that reminds me, get rid of abstinence-only education. But, don't stop teaching abstinence. Let young people (and some older folks could use with a refresher course probably) know that the only way to truly prevent STDs and unwanted pregnancies is to (surprise surprise) not have sex. But remember that people are going to make decisions based on what they may want at a particular moment in time, so it's best for them to be armed with the knowledge that there are consequences to their actions, and that they can take steps to minimize these consequences. But that's sort of a different topic. Back to the issue at hand. But no, education is important there, too. And support. Alternatives should be looked at, advised; adoption is a big one, of course. So...idealistically pro-life, but politically pro-choice.

And so to Gay Marriage. Right, look...if two men (or women) want to have sex with each other (again, being responsible people who take precautions when necessary), how does that hurt me? I mean, unless they decide to do it on my couch while I'm trying to sit on it, chances are it will have no negative effect on me. In fact, if anything, it will make both of those people happy, they will feel more fulfilled, they will spread their joy through kindness, and it might trickle on over to me. I know, I know...some people experience joy through killing other people. Well, that's different, isn't it? Killing somebody is actually hurting somebody. It's, well...it's killing them, right? So there's that issue right there. Alright, fine, let them have sex, you may say, but why should they get to enjoy the same rights as a married man and woman? Well...why shouldn't they? I mean, if they're happy, healthy members who contribute to society, well...it might make them happier if they could have the same benefits as men and women. And I don't just mean civil unions, but that's a start. Right, see, two men living together in a happy, monogomaus relationship can't file their taxes jointly. If one gets sick and is put in the hospital, and is unresponsive, unless the other is listed in a legal document as having Power of Attorney, the hospital will refuse the other entrance or any legal right in the decision making process. How is this even remotely fair?

Okay, that was just a basic, preliminary run down. These are complex issues, as complex as the economy, defense, education and foreign policy, but even moreso because they are both divisive issues. Face it: nothing is more politically divisive than abortion. But I heard it summed up best on NPR last week; given the choice between a pro-life candidate and a pro-choice candidate, the pro-choice voter is more likely to weigh other factors before casting their vote, while the pro-life voter is more likely to cast their vote on that single issue.

All that aside, the Republican party will most likely never make a strong effort to overturn Roe v. Wade. They may promise it, and they may run on a strong Pro-Life platform (like our current president, who executed more inmates in Texas than the rest of the country combined over his term as Governer), but successfully overturning the Supreme Court decision means they lost their largest swath of single issue voters.

Last week, on ABC's show Boston Legal, James Spader's character suggested that perhaps the nation should vote on Abortion, that the issue should become less of a political football for the candidates to fumble around with and be put into the hands of the American People. I think that's a tremendously great idea myself. This is a democracy, let the people decide. Take one issue away from the candidates so they can focus on the business of running the country. You know?

This is all just slip-shod and unfounded political rant at this point, but I am going to tell you the truth, an average American should be able to run for president. So hell, it actually started as a joke, but I mean it. I'm running in twelve years. Watch for me.

Oh, and I've had two people request to be my running mate. Unfortunately, I'm still waiting to hear from my original invitee, Jerry. But keep throwing your hats in the ring. Annie, you show promise, you could provide a nice Liberal/Conservative balance to my Raging Liberal/Moderate Liberal political stance. And Lisa...sorry, but I already have a job for you: Speech Writer.

Oh, and one more thing: I hope you went out and voted today (if, you know, your state had an election). I know I did. And while I care who you vote for a little bit, it is actually more important that you do vote. I'd rather disagree with your vote than disagree with you for staying at home.

Addressing the Issues

My environmental stance is pretty easy to understand; invest in alternative fuel sources accross the board. I'm tired of people saying Solar is too unreliable, wind is too unreliable, etc. Here's what you do, see: Where it's windy, you put turbines. Where it's sunny, you put solar panels. Oh, and put solar panels on the turbines. Geothermal? Hell yes. Water? Well...I don't want to build any more dams, because there's really no way to do it without incurring a little bit of environmental damage. But we can utilize what we've got in place. I don't think we should build any more coal plants myself, and I thought that even why Kathy's paycheck depended on new coal plants. As for oil, we need to invest in better public transit systems in metropolitan areas. St. Louis' Metrolink is, since the addition of the cross county line, little better than a joke. I know we don't have the large population or urban acreage that cities like Chicago, Boston and NYC have, but that doesn't mean we don't need to build a better mass transit infrastructure. And also, as part of that, we should make our cities more bicycle and pedestrian friendly. And locally grown food? Yeah, it should be cheaper and not more expensive. Tax incentives for those who power their homes with wind or solar, who buy cars with a certain EPA MPG estimate. Oh, and we need to increase the MPG standard. 33 mpg standard? Okay, fine, but that's shy of Europe, and they seem to be doing just fine over there. So...incentives for cities and individuals who take steps themselves, and government mandates and higher standards.

Strengthening the dollar? First off, improve the economy, but really, we should cut back on defecit spending. You see, state governments have to balance their budget every year, but the federal government can just keep borrowing from China? Right...like where are we getting all of this money for the economic stimulus package? We're borrowing it. And, considering the sub-prime lending crisis helped put the economy in the tank this time around, I think borrowing money to fix it is laced with a fair enough amount of irony already. The irony will be complete if we're borrowing with an adjustable interest rate. Which, when you think about it, we are; with the falling dollar value, borrowing a billion dollars from China now may mean paying them back seven billion later, or more. We just need to pull the American economy back to America. I'm not saying we shouldn't trade with other nations, or that we shouldn't help other nations with their finances. But...it's like building bridges, schools, and hospitals in Iraq. Shouldn't we tend our own garden first? Trade is good, I'm not saying that. But we need to remember that a good measure of an economy is looking at how many exports vs imports. You want more exports. Just look at the labels at your local Wal Mart. Most of it was made where? China! Great. But that means the money doesn't stay here. It goes there.

You see, the economic stimulus package will take...borrow...money from China, and give it to the people of this country. They will take that money and they will likely NOT save it. They will pay down their high interest credit cards, just so they can then put more on the credit card and max it out again. And what will they buy? Stuff made in China. Which means all that money goes back to China, twice. Once now when we buy their stuff, and again when we get around to paying them back the loan. This is a terrible system upon which to base what should be the strongest economy in the world.

Anyway...turns out, I actually am too young to run for president, by ten years. So I can't actually run until the 2020 election, during which I will be thirty-seven years old. But hey, I've got twelve years to put together a stellar campaign. So let's get going on it folks! Rauscher for President in 2020!

An Announcement

I am launching an exploratory committe to begin my campaign for the Presidency of the United States. I will be accepting contributions in person. I take checks, cash, spare change, or money orders.

You want my stance on issues? Just ask. I'm here to answer America's needs. But a brief run down:

The Economy-

Trickle down doesn't work. At all. Giving the rich people more money so they can spend it in the hopes that it stimulates the economy enough to create low-wage jobs for currently unemployed people living below the poverty line? Reaganomics. If it really worked, things wouldn't be so grim. My idea? Trickle up economics! Just think of trickle down economics reversed.

Health Care-

Single Payer. Government sponsored. "Oh my God, Elliot's a COMMUNIST! GET HIM!" No. Socialized medical care is not communism. Nor will it lead to communism. What it will lead to is healthy people living in America. Yeah. Good idea, huh?

Immigration-

Amnesty for those who are gainfully employed or attending an institution of higher learning. Children under 16 and under automatically granted amnesty if their parents have been granted amnesty. If not, there should be a process that allows them to stay with a relative or other trusted guardian so they can complete school. If they're 17 or 18 and enrolled in high school, the same applies to them. And if you want to come to America, there should be less beaurocracy. Basically, I want to de-Vogonize certain aspects of the government. Cut through the red tape.

Education-

See Health Care. I mean, come on! Education should be available to everybody! We're getting to a point in our country where the only people who can go to school are the very rich (because they can afford it) or the very poor (because they'll get grants, scholarships and loans that will cover it all), leaving the middle class far behind. For instance, my parents had two children in college at one point, and they were helping us pay. We'd fill out our FAFSAs and the government would look and say, "Well, you make X per year, so you can afford Y per year." Well, but what the government didn't take into account was that while they could afford Y per year, they couldn't afford Y x 2 per year. So, like health care, education should be accessible.

Foreign Policy-

I think I'd just apologize profusely to Europe in general, never use the phrase "Coalition of the Willing" again, and then dance the Charleston on top of the Statue of Liberty until everybody was satisfied that we're not so bad. Then I'd pull the troops out of Iraq, try and actually find Bin Laden (remember that guy? Yeah, he attacked us. Saddam never did. Really), and then I'd make Bono from U2 my secretary of state. He could totally get things going.

Other Miscellaneous Things-

Make sure arts get more funding in schools and communities. For example, it'd be nice if a school district pumped the same amount of money into the Football program and the Marching Band program. Both are physically demanding. Both help develop cooperation, leadership, and stuff like that. I'm not saying increase the funding for band to match that of football, or decrease football to match band, but to even them out. That way, the band won't have to sell so much candy to buy new uniforms, but the football team will have to get out and hustle a little for new helmets. Get it? Also, a municipality should not spend millions of dollars on a new baseball stadium without considering how much it's spending on things like the local professional symphony. Seriously. Why is St. Louis City (and county) paying for The New Busch Stadium? Well, because it will generate revenue and people will enjoy it. But try telling the people that the city is spending even one fourth of that amount on renovating Powell Symphony Hall. There would be an outcry! Why can't the Symphony fot the bill? Well, why couldn't the Cardinals foot the bill? Clearly, they're a very well run business; and that's what they are, a business. And so is the Symphony. And don't get me wrong, I LOVE baseball. Baseball is, in my mind, America. And while the steroid scandal shames America, I still love baseball. but that's another story. I'm getting way off base here. Another thing I would do as president is give all of my friends cushy cabinet posts. Get your requests in now! I've already got a speech writer and a Secretary of the Interior in mind. And remember, Secretary of State is going to U2's Bono. I also have a lock for Ambassador to New Zealand.

Anyway...so, yeah. The field was looking kinda thin, and Jerry's looking for a candidate (Jerry? Running mate? Eh?), so I thought, why not?

My fellow Americans....elect me, your pal, Elliot M. Rauscher. I will bring dignity to an office that is in desperate need of it. I will bring opportunity where there is none. And I will bring my cat to the White House, where he will likely hiss at every visiting dignitary. And, also, I will bring my large television and have seriously awesome movie nights for all of my staff. What do you say, America? Are you with me?

Oh, one more thing...I pledge to end the writers' strike once and for all. I will force the production companies to come to terms the guild agrees with wholeheartedly. And then, we can finally get back to watching new episodes of The Office.

In Response to The Most Recent Poll On My Blog

Seeing as I only got five votes in, that makes me sad about the number of people reading my blog. But then I remember that for people to want to read your blog, you have to update it, and that's something I've been doing sporadically at best. That having been said, I want to point out something interesting about the poll:

There were six options listed, and one of them was clearly a joke. No, not Creative Writing: Advanced Fiction. That's for reals, yo. Underwater Basket Weaving? Not so much.

I got five votes, and each for a different class. And the one that didn't get any votes? Media Literacy. While that scares me for certain reasons that I will enumerate below, there's something far more interesting about the poll results I wish to discuss first.

The question was, which class sounds the most interesting? And nobody thought Media Literacy would be the most interesting. People picked politics, film, and sex over Media Literacy (hilarious because politics is covered in the media, and film is a medium, and media is full of sex, but that's more an afterthought than anything), and while I haven't had the politics or the films yet, so far Media Literacy is the most interesting of the classes I'm taking. I like the people and the teacher and the material and the workload.

The writing and the sex? Yeah, well, I never thought the workload in a class about sex would be too much to handle. But it is. And as I have mentioned earlier, my creative writing prof is a little, uh...well, you read what I said before. Or at least you should have.

No, okay, so, nobody's interested in media literacy? Come ON! Here's why you should be interested: Think of how pervasive the media is. You are consuming it RIGHT NOW! Yes, that's right, my blog is considered media. But not just that...are you listening to music while you read my blog (I suggest Ray LaMontagne for a mellow mood, Buddy Rich for something to replace any caffiene addiction you may have, The Mars Volta to completely blow your mind or The Postal Service if you happen to be a hopeless romantic)? Watching television or a movie? Checking other websites? Listening to the radio? Reading a book or magazine? Driving down the highway looking at billboards (elliotisnotawriter does not advocate this activity)? You are consuming media almost constantly. Does it have an effect on you?

85% of people say it has absolutely no effect on them. And but almost all of those people who claim media has no effect on them at all also claim that it has a tremendous effect on everybody else. Say what? That's a huge chunk of people to make up for somewhere.

So what media literacy is doing for me is making me more aware of what media I consume, and making me aware that the messages I get are being filtered from reality through the person/entity through which the message is being delivered. Think about a story about Barrack Obama on a Clear Channel talk radio station vs. one on NPR. I'd like to say that NPR is more fair (and they are more apt to be) but there is a distinctive liberal bias...though not as much as Clear Channel's conservative lean. Which is, of course, pale in comparison to Fox News'. The point is, people, pay attention to where your information is coming from. I mean, just think what would happen if everybody got their news from me and Jerry. I mean, sure, the world would be a tremendously happy place to live, but...no. Wait. I like this idea. Forget I said anything else. The last sentence should read "Everybody should get their news from me and Jerry."