Saturday, February 02, 2008

An Announcement

I am launching an exploratory committe to begin my campaign for the Presidency of the United States. I will be accepting contributions in person. I take checks, cash, spare change, or money orders.

You want my stance on issues? Just ask. I'm here to answer America's needs. But a brief run down:

The Economy-

Trickle down doesn't work. At all. Giving the rich people more money so they can spend it in the hopes that it stimulates the economy enough to create low-wage jobs for currently unemployed people living below the poverty line? Reaganomics. If it really worked, things wouldn't be so grim. My idea? Trickle up economics! Just think of trickle down economics reversed.

Health Care-

Single Payer. Government sponsored. "Oh my God, Elliot's a COMMUNIST! GET HIM!" No. Socialized medical care is not communism. Nor will it lead to communism. What it will lead to is healthy people living in America. Yeah. Good idea, huh?

Immigration-

Amnesty for those who are gainfully employed or attending an institution of higher learning. Children under 16 and under automatically granted amnesty if their parents have been granted amnesty. If not, there should be a process that allows them to stay with a relative or other trusted guardian so they can complete school. If they're 17 or 18 and enrolled in high school, the same applies to them. And if you want to come to America, there should be less beaurocracy. Basically, I want to de-Vogonize certain aspects of the government. Cut through the red tape.

Education-

See Health Care. I mean, come on! Education should be available to everybody! We're getting to a point in our country where the only people who can go to school are the very rich (because they can afford it) or the very poor (because they'll get grants, scholarships and loans that will cover it all), leaving the middle class far behind. For instance, my parents had two children in college at one point, and they were helping us pay. We'd fill out our FAFSAs and the government would look and say, "Well, you make X per year, so you can afford Y per year." Well, but what the government didn't take into account was that while they could afford Y per year, they couldn't afford Y x 2 per year. So, like health care, education should be accessible.

Foreign Policy-

I think I'd just apologize profusely to Europe in general, never use the phrase "Coalition of the Willing" again, and then dance the Charleston on top of the Statue of Liberty until everybody was satisfied that we're not so bad. Then I'd pull the troops out of Iraq, try and actually find Bin Laden (remember that guy? Yeah, he attacked us. Saddam never did. Really), and then I'd make Bono from U2 my secretary of state. He could totally get things going.

Other Miscellaneous Things-

Make sure arts get more funding in schools and communities. For example, it'd be nice if a school district pumped the same amount of money into the Football program and the Marching Band program. Both are physically demanding. Both help develop cooperation, leadership, and stuff like that. I'm not saying increase the funding for band to match that of football, or decrease football to match band, but to even them out. That way, the band won't have to sell so much candy to buy new uniforms, but the football team will have to get out and hustle a little for new helmets. Get it? Also, a municipality should not spend millions of dollars on a new baseball stadium without considering how much it's spending on things like the local professional symphony. Seriously. Why is St. Louis City (and county) paying for The New Busch Stadium? Well, because it will generate revenue and people will enjoy it. But try telling the people that the city is spending even one fourth of that amount on renovating Powell Symphony Hall. There would be an outcry! Why can't the Symphony fot the bill? Well, why couldn't the Cardinals foot the bill? Clearly, they're a very well run business; and that's what they are, a business. And so is the Symphony. And don't get me wrong, I LOVE baseball. Baseball is, in my mind, America. And while the steroid scandal shames America, I still love baseball. but that's another story. I'm getting way off base here. Another thing I would do as president is give all of my friends cushy cabinet posts. Get your requests in now! I've already got a speech writer and a Secretary of the Interior in mind. And remember, Secretary of State is going to U2's Bono. I also have a lock for Ambassador to New Zealand.

Anyway...so, yeah. The field was looking kinda thin, and Jerry's looking for a candidate (Jerry? Running mate? Eh?), so I thought, why not?

My fellow Americans....elect me, your pal, Elliot M. Rauscher. I will bring dignity to an office that is in desperate need of it. I will bring opportunity where there is none. And I will bring my cat to the White House, where he will likely hiss at every visiting dignitary. And, also, I will bring my large television and have seriously awesome movie nights for all of my staff. What do you say, America? Are you with me?

Oh, one more thing...I pledge to end the writers' strike once and for all. I will force the production companies to come to terms the guild agrees with wholeheartedly. And then, we can finally get back to watching new episodes of The Office.

5 comments:

Molly said...

You got my vote! And your policies on immigration and foreign relations are terrific. Sadly, you're not yet old enough to run. (no, I'm not telling you to grow up!)

mGk said...

I have dibs on Secretary of "lookin' good"! -KG

Becca said...

Yes, you've got my vote too, as soon as you explain your policies on the environment/global warming, and how you will strengthen the US dollar (keeping in mind your citizens abroad). I especially agree with your immigration policies.

How about your policies for how foreigner's are treated in airports? Apparently if you've visited certain countries (parts of Africa, all of the middle east) this means that all Customs can be extremely rude to you, and make snide remarks about why you would want to visit certain parts of the world (at which point they will completely mis-pronounce the Country's name)...

Ok, that's Becca's two cents for today. Keep up the good work, future Mr. Pres!

marty/bridget said...

ok...you're bringing the psycho cat, who will corner people in the lincoln bedroom, and you're bringing you big screen tv, but you do not mention bringing the first lady...what's up with that? b.

Lisa said...

Just the Office bit at the end got me...got a running mate? :) And how DOES the first lady stand on all of this? Old smold. How do you stand on gay marriage, abortion, No Child Left Behind, and taxes, though...maybe I should take these things into consideration before choosing you just mainly on the fact that the Office would be back, hmmm....