Modest Proposal Monday - Taxes

I do not pretend to be the Jonathan Swift of the 21st Century. All I'm trying to be is the me of the 21st Century. That having been said, I love Swift's Modest Proposal and believe it to be one of the best pieces of pure snark of all time. Of all time.

So, with that in mind, a new feature that will crop up every once in a great while; Modest Proposal Mondays.

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There has been a lot of discussion-political discussion-lately about the merits of our tax-based social systems. There are those on the left who believe the social services should be expanded, and paid for by those who have more than enough money to get by. You know, help your fellow man, all that good stuff that you find in that one book, I can't remember what it's called right now...oh, right, The Bible. On the right, you've got the people who think it's just a social safety net, and that it should be removed outright, that taxes should be lowered or eliminated. Then, there are those in the middle, who believe a moderate system of social security and government sponsored supports for those without means can take advantage of when needed. But certainly the most vocal support is coming from the right, and I've heard quite a lot of it.

And, strange enough, I'm starting to come around to their way of thinking.

So, today, I modestly propose that we give in to the ideology of the Tea Party movement, and completely abolish taxes and any services they may pay for.

I can already hear some of you complaining, but let's look at two services that are going to be cut that will actually be beneficial to everyone; road maintenance and education.

The way road maintenance is paid for now is through a national gasoline tax. States and local municipalities also use extra tax for this purpose. What that means is that federal highways are paid for by the national gas tax, state roads by the state tax, etc. This means that, depending on your state, county and city, you could be paying taxes four times on every gallon of gas you buy. What the crap? And how do you know that the money is being wisely spent? What about that tiny pothole in front of your house? Does that every get any federal, state, or local attention? Probably not! No, they're busy taking your money and rebuilding bridges you never use, paving roads you don't live near and making it easier for people you've never met to get to their jobs at companies you never do business with. Many of these people use these roads to go to their local unemployment offices to get more of your money just for sitting on their lazy asses, or they go to free, tax-payer financed clinics for medical care (something you pay for through your private health insurance), or they go to other Socialist meetings like poetry readings or, shock of shocks, the symphony (which, by the way, might also be partially financed through your municipal taxes).

So what I modestly propose is that we place a permanent moratorium on the gasoline taxes, and instead use the money we save on gasoline to pay a private company or individual to fix the roads we use every day. That way, you can find somebody who will make sure that your route to and from work is always smooth sailing, and you won't have to pay for construction on a highway you've never even heard of before.

Of course, many might suggest that people of lower incomes may not be able to afford to hire anybody to fix their roads. Well, their loss, right? They are saving just as much per gallon of gas as you are, there is no reason they shouldn't put that money towards road repair. If their jobs don't pay them enough, they should find new jobs that do! In fact, they could learn how to repair roads, which would solve a lot of problems! You could hire them to repair your road, which they will do while you are at work. When their work day is done, they already have the skills to go home and fix their own roads. And most employers offer discounts to their employees, so they will be getting a better rate than you will! It works out for everyone, see? Plus, with all the new companies springing up to fix roads, you'll be able to shop around and get the best price, rather than relying on the government's one price monopoly.

Now when it comes to education, I hear you whining, what are people who can't afford to send their children to private schools going to do when the liberal public schools close? Well, the children can always apply for scholarships if they're smart. And if they're not, the parents shouldn't have too much trouble paying for school once they start earning more money building roads that go from the teachers' houses to the school, right? It'll be fantastic for everyone! As far as higher education goes, many lower income students may not be able to attend college simply due to lack of funds. If they can't get a scholarship, they can apply for loans from a bank, which will be better than loans from the government because, again, you'll have many more options from which to choose! And if they still can't get into college, you don't need a bachelor's degree to fix roads, do you?

This doesn't just hold for roads, though. Fire departments, long a socialist establishment, will be privatized and only the best will be hired. Of course, with the many different departments which will be formed, you will have multiple pricing options to choose from should your home catch fire. So even the lower income families will be able to find cut rate fire protection should they need it. Same goes for police protection, lending libraries (lower late fees because you pay for each book you borrow!)...the list goes on.

When you replace one government controlled institution with multiple privatized options, you get a variety of pricepoints and services which better serve the community, and you will always be assured that you are getting the best deal you can possibly afford. Not to mention that with so many companies being formed, unemployment will virtually vanish! It's the ultimate in no-lose situations!